the crux

--+--+Warning: Some of this could be an overshare, but I'm trying to heal+--+--

I'm beginning to realize that part of the reason I've been doing things Robb doesn't like (spending money/buying stuff) is because I'm lonely. I've been filling a void with crap I don't need. It's a way to fill up that hole left by the absence of my friends and support network. I tried explaining this to him a long time ago and had he listened, he would have heard me saying that I needed help.

I keep reviewing a lot of this crap and I realize now that a lot of my behavior stems from feeling this way. Even before Robb was in my life. It was like I could buy stuff to fill my time, fill my house...shopping filled my time, alleviated some of the sad... and somehow I think I believed it would make me feel better.

And why the hell did I feel so lonely? Why do I now? I mean, yeah, I'm sad because I've been rejected and all my friends are basically absent. I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't just part of a larger picture. My mom agrees it's time to get back into counselling but I guess I just thought I had pretty good coping skills. I'm friendly but why is it that I feel so isolated? I have friends... or I thought I did.

So maybe I'm not as okay with me as I thought I was.

I've been questioning a lot of my "self" lately.

One of our issues is that Robb has changed his mind about wanting more kids. I wanted to leave the option open to adopt but I can't have kids... well, not without a great deal of risk to my health. I'm not that noble to sacrifice my life for reproducing. It seems counter-productive, doesn't it? Get pregnant to have a baby and then risk killing yourself and ruining your own health so you can't take care of it? Just not logical... but I've been questioning this whole issue now... I mean, we can put men on the moon and cure some cancers. Maybe this other thing can be fixed now. I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago to R, before the meltdown... this would have been the PERFECT opportunity for him to tell me he'd been having some changes of heart. Yup. Woulda been. His family was having TWO baby showers in one day... I was depressed and a bit freaky. Yup... woulda been a good damn time.

Maybe this is part of the emptiness that I feel. Maybe this is why I've been so sad. Because even the person who was supposed to be listening wasn't. And even the person who was supposed to care, doesn't.

I really wish someone would have been listening when I mentioned all these things before instead of storing all this shit up to dump on me later, like it's all my fault.