I have to ask myself what is it that women really want? actually I don't care about all women I just care about what I want, but it helps to examine the macro-view before I can focus on the micro.  I guess all women want to feel good, to feel valued, to take care of their families and not worry... I suppose my desires for my life aren't *that* different, but I want to finish my education (BS, MA, and PhD), make enough money to retire so that I don't have to worry or work until I die.... I'd like to take care of my mom and dad... have a couple of dear friends in my life who care about me and like spending time with me.... two vacations a year (real vacations not obligations), to feel good/healthy.  I don't think any of those things are unattainable, nor are they unreasonable.... 

I think the biggest challenge is the companionship part. I don't know that I want a man in my life like a husband.... a permanent handyman and occasional footrubber would be okay but I don't want to take care of anyone. Been there, done that... 

I believe what happened with my friend was not only a difference of expectations but also a difference in personality. I would like to believe that men do not change my personality, either with or without them. I am who, how, and what I am... at least I'm going to tell myself that... 

For some reason, not exactly sure why, but I've been horribly weepy. I'm not exactly sure why I'm choosing this as my forum, but it could be that it's somewhat anonymous.... I know school has really been stressing me out but this is more than that.

This all started after I was in instructor school and I got a really nasty flu/cough. I was horribly medicated and sent an email questioning why my "BFF" wouldn't answer my texts or emails--I honestly thought she was upset with me but I had no clue as to why? She and her boyfriend showed up at my house unannounced after she had ranted and raved and spent an entire evening saying she wanted no more to do with him... we had gone to the strip club and commenced to doing God knows what... I just remember talking to a very nice young woman who had a master's degree in biochemistry. Anyway, after the "BFF" showed up and the guy she wanted nothing to do with didn't even say hi... AND then was mad at me for not acknowledging him... Wait a minute... who the hell said I had x-ray vision???? I'm just supposed to know that random guy with the helmet on was him? WHATEVER!!! Get over yourself.

Yes, I've spoken to her about this and while she swears she's just living her life and whatever, she spends an awful lot of time with some guy who isn't "long term material". He is one of those guys who tells her he's into her but really he's just into not being alone... just my opinion.

My other friend said to me, "She's a user and is sucking the life out of you." With absolutely no prompting he said that. I am absolutely heartbroken that she has treated me like crap. I cry a lot, I feel so horrible. Jeez I sound pathetic... woe is me. But it feels almost like my asshole ex-boyfriend is back to exact some sort of engineered revenge for some perceived slight (he was so good at it!). It does feel like something died. My mom said, "Don't give up on her," but my reality is that I don't want to be friends with someone whom I can't trust. I don't think I can ever be close to her again. So, just like my mom also said, "She'll never find the long term guy if she keeps hanging out with the not-long-term guy," I won't ever find friends that I want to have in my life if I just keep hanging out with people who treat me like I'm nothing, or only good if you have nothing else to occupy your time.

My eyes are so swollen that I looked in the mirror after washing my face and I look sort of Asian. Ha. Asian with freckles with red hair and chapped lips. My best guy friend said that "she" is a user. That she "seduced" me and got what she wanted, sucked the life out of me and now is wondering why I'm confused that she's not acting like she used to.

For me it is UNacceptable that anyone treats me like I don't matter.

And on top of everything I'm really struggling with my choice to not have a child, to be child-free into my old age... I went to "adoptuskids.org" out of curiosity and in hopes that I could put things into perspective and realize that may it's not for me... but frankly, while I believe it's too hard, I know so many of my friends that are single moms and seem to be okay. I keep wondering. Assessing. Rethinking. I think it's more about being alone and that is soooo the wrong reason to have kids or adopt or marry or even just hang out with someone. I work very hard to only do the things in my life that I want to, to only have associations with people I want to, not just avoiding being alone.

I guess I can admit that I'm sort of freaked out by choosing a nursing home for one--that no one will be around to take care of me. I admit that I do worry that maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life... pathetic, but true.

My dear friend P told me that he has a list of qualities he hopes I find. He wishes for me an older but still fun PhD candidate, a teacher, someone who has been divorced a couple of times and would appreciate me for my experiences and want to show me the proper attentions that I deserve. He should have kids but not like insane children, so much that I can't have a relationship with them.

There are a lot of other things that keep skittering in and out of my view.... I shouldn't write when I'm tired... I don't make sense.

Well, for all my bluster, it happened again. I believed I had changed my behavior and my expectations and that all would be better... but I was completely wrong. A few months ago I met W, who was a dear friend of several of my dear friends. My schedule is so hectic, that it didn't matter that I didn't see him often, nor did it matter that he didn't call that often after the first couple weeks... I'm too busy to need all that attention that other relationships have needed. And so it goes.... he had tough times, I was a good friend... cared, listened, paid attention, even helped him get a new job when he was having severe troubles at another... yet, on my way to my last final of the term, he decides then that he needs to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore. I suppose it was a nasty feeling, rejection, and the timing wasn't all that great... but when he pulled over his car and professed I was such a great friend and how much he treasured me.... well I lost it! How can you say you treasure someone when you can't be bothered to be considerate? So there's another friend I've had to forget about in my life.
Do I expect too much by just asking someone to be considerate? Is it too much to ask of someone to simply BE a friend when your friend has been one to you? Wow.

Celebrant

I did it! I'm finally going to be a homeowner. I found this very cool little house in the neighboring town of Bisbee. It's the perfect one-person house, with a tiny porch on the front, yellow siding with dark green trim. The yard is terraced too. I just adore it. While it's pretty small, it's going to force me to re-evaluate a lot of the things I've been collecting over the years. I will have to get rid of a lot of things I thought I couldn't do without. The local "Friends of the Library" will likely get a lot of books next month. I bought a bed! I'm hoping to close the loan early, like the beginning of July instead of August. The tenants that live there now are moving. I'll need to get in there and wash the nicotine off the walls, paint and freshen before I can live there. I hate the smell of smoke. I'm a horrible reformed smoker, a bit righteous there, but I don't care. I hate it. Anyway, I'm so stoked!!! I haven't told mom yet, but I will.
I've made some other decisions about my life as well. I'm going to finish school, but my goals have changed. I'll certainly try to improve my job situation, but in the next several years I'll be saving up to buy a business or three, open my own bookstore or wine bar, and eventually one of my girlfriends and I are discussing opening a Whole Foods market. This silly town needs another grocery, but considering the one organic food market here is about the size of a walk-in closet, we really need some help.
So, yes, that's my deal. I need a new job, too. I have a difficult time being patient with challenging personalities. Just because she's the boss does NOT give her the right to treat me and the rest of the team like we're gum on her shoe.
Toxic people suck.