I usually spend most of my day feeling sick to my stomach or like I've been kicked in the groin. (Yes it hurts on chicks too.) Except yesterday and part of today. I don't know why but for some reason, my mind is lighter, my heart is beating normally and my nervous system seems like it's straightened out. My stomach still has butterfly moments, but I am beginning to heal.
Don't misunderstand, I'm still hurting.
Birdy made a comment that I thought was worth addressing. Yeah sure "fuck that guy"--wish it was that simple... I still live here...for another week but really... I'm still in the house... still living here!!!! But seriously here's what happened.
I asked him for 3 days in a row, please spare me the pain of seeing/hearing you with someone new. "I am fragile right now and I'm asking for some consideration and compassion. I'd appreciate you waiting until I'm out of the house."
He agreed it was only right, and that I wasn't asking for too much. Not two days later I was getting phone calls from some woman. I repeatedly asked her to please phone R on his cell phone. She did not. She was playing a really hurtful game. R wouldn't answer any call I made.
Right or wrong, I went to his mother because I couldn't get his attention. Not to mention, I couldn't understand how "You'll always be able to reach me and I care about you," suddenly turned into ignoring and acting like he was in high school. A couple days pass and he phones me telling me that he's on his way home and yes he is seeing someone new. "Gee it just happened."
So you're telling me that you were just pants-free and she was naked and you tripped and fell over.... repeatedly? Right.
Well imagine my aggravation. Not to mention how insulted I felt to know that my dignity was worth so little to him. I am not trying to revisit, only to express a certain "here it is."
I have woken up to the fact that much of our relationship has been based on bullshit and him just trying to maintain the status quo. I'm ready for the next phase of my life, new challenges, new independence.
AND: I got an A in philosophy!!! I passed my design final! And yes I got a 95 on my last math test! I am cruising for an A in color theory, a B in Drawing and maybe.... if I do better than an 85 on my math final next week I might get an A in math... holey shit.
2 comments:
Hey - I'm not trying to bust your balls here (so to speak). I guess from the outside looking in, which is admittedly a very narrow view of things, its pretty clear that he doesn't care about you or your feelings and doesn't want you to be a part of his life in whole or in part.
I don't think its reasonable to assume that suddenly he is going to respect you or your wishes regardless of how right you are or how kind and understandable your requests are.
Congrats on the grades though! Onward and upward, right?
*hug* aw Bird! I know you weren't trying to bust my balls but I also know that I wanted to make it clearer for anyone who cared to read why this was such a big deal. You're so right he doesn't give a shit about anything about me. He lies and betrays and has absolutely no regard for any feelings I might have.
Onward and upward indeed! The alternative is unacceptable. :)
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