Re-discovered country

My blog has languished lately (okay yeah for a year) because I needed to focus on some other things. It occurs to me, though, that this has always been a good forum for me to express my thoughts. While 99% of the time, no one reads what I write, or if they do, they don't comment, I miss the self-expression, I miss the venue and certainly I miss the catharsis of just getting it all out.

Lately, things are good, just more hectic than ever. Working one job full time, another part time and attending school in a full-time program has really taken its toll on whatever social life I had begun to carve out for myself. I don't have too many friends, but maybe that's a good thing.

I say it might be a good thing because I seem to have unrealistic expectations of other people. I genuinely like only a handful, yet they have questionable ethics and certainly aren't honest, neither with themselves nor others. I suppose that shouldn't really bother me but frankly it does. I am so not perfect and certainly do not claim to be the judge or the measuring stick by which everyone should live their lives, however, I do think that as a person I'm entitled to having a few standards.

Honesty and ethical treatment is definitely at the top of the list. I cannot abide a liar, nor will I tolerate someone who is conniving or scheming. Anyone who wants to make others miserable is not acceptable. Also at the top of my list is treating one as I wish to be treated. I try to treat everyone equally and with respect and courtesy. This isn't the case with a lot of people I know. This is why they aren't my friends, they are simply people I know.

I'm harping on this point because there have been two incidents in which I'm struggling with forgiveness. Situations with old friends who, while they may not realize it, their behavior was really quite distressing. One friend from nearly 20 years ago, we've kept touch throughout the years and sometimes we lived in the same neighborhood. More often than not, we've been long-distance. About a year ago, he had told me that he had feelings for me that weren't exactly just friendship. I was just coming off a painful breakup and while his attention was not unwelcome it was ill-timed. Neither of us was eager to date anyone, so we agreed to wait and see what happened as I healed. Later we made plans to get together for a weekend and catch up. Just before these plans were finalized, (paid for) I called him. It was sort of late in the evening, but that never seemed to be a problem before. I heard him pick up the phone and then hang it up, as if he couldn't hear me. I phoned again. Same situation. This happened four times probably, each time with him hanging up. I tried his cell phone, thinking there might be a problem with his phone. It's happened to me before, so I was just trying to solve the problem. When he answered his cell phone he sounded strangely, as if putting on a show. I immediately picked up that something was not right. I asked him if things were okay. He replied that he'd been sick and really wasn't up to talking. I told him I hoped he felt better and asked him to return my call at a more convenient time, reminding him we were to finalize our plans that weekend. He made some more remarks, ending them with, "I should feel better soon, my girlfriend just gave me a suppository."

Wow. Well. "Oh," was all I could muster. "Again, I hope you feel better." I hung up the phone.

Subsequently I wrote him a letter, asking him to just stay away. I didn't need any more disappointment in my life, no more situations to heal from, no more betrayal. I've not heard from him since. I'm grateful he respected my request to stay away, but it's more likely he got crap from his girlfriend for having some woman call him late at night and he's grateful he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. Oacham's Razor of Male Emotion.

So, this is "re-discovered" country as a friend of mine recently went through some very serious life-changing events. He struggled with a serious cancer issue, his mother passed away, his wife threatened to leave him the day after his mother's funeral, and he had some serious medication issues leaving him rather like an emotional Beirut. He called me for friendship and support throughout the evolving situation. I agreed with him that he needed to make some serious changes in his life, to include healing his cancer completely (eating better, taking his medication and quitting smoking), taking a break from his marriage as it was not helping him heal from the loss of his mother (who would throw a baby temper tantrum at their husband for not paying enough attention to her while he's grieving?), and spending some more time with his family, possibly even moving to be closer to them if that's what it took. We spoke several times a week, sometimes several times a day. I was coming to rely on his counsel for some of the situations I was facing with my own family and decisions I needed to make. Suddenly about a month ago, he stopped answering my email, turned off his cell phone, etc. In a last ditch effort to make sure he hadn't committed suicide or died in a car crash, I emailed him at work. A day later, a newsy cheerful missive made its way to my inbox: back with wife who hates his children and doesn't understand that maybe someone might be sad when their mother dies, medication and cancer is okay, and happy about it all.

Again, Wow.

Hey, do whatever you need to with your life, but shit! Do not treat me like I'm a disposable plate. I will not be your emotional tampon, then just stand by while you toss me aside in the trash. And yet, that's exactly what has happened. That's exactly what I allowed in both those situations. Why, oh why can't people just be good to each other and care how the other feels in the situation? BAH!!!!!! ARGH!!!!

*sigh* I will get over it, but I will not forget it.