Nothing's gonna keep this kid down....

It was as if I’d given up. Given up on writing, given up on friends, most everything I treasured… depression sucked the sparkle out of my eyes. I felt under-valued, under-whelmed and under-appreciated. It’s not like anything really changed about my life, but I changed. One day I woke up and, even though I’d never tell him, I’m grateful he did what he did. I’m so thankful that I won’t be spending my life mired in a relationship that would never be what it should have been. I won’t spend my life with a man who doesn’t love himself, doesn’t value himself and therefore cannot give his whole heart. Our relationship never would have been one of unconditional love and sheer joy of being so fortunate to be in each other’s lives. I once told him that I couldn’t imagine my life without him… now I can’t imagine my life with someone who thinks so little of me.
I absolutely, categorically and by the grace of God/dess managed to get away just in the nick of time. It’s taken a year to get to this place and I’m so glad I went through it… or I would be less somehow.
Career wise things are stable. I have a good job, but it pays terribly. The boss knows it but is completely powerless to change it. I’ve already told him he’ll lose me unless we can find a solution. He’s listening, but the wheels of change in county government are slow. Especially in this county. For the life of me, though, despite this, I can’t think of a better place to be. The people I work with are fantastic, supportive, and smart. The people who actually make the decisions about stuff are not so smart.
Funny, but there are a few people I work with who truly believe they are these sophisticates and know everything about wine, food, the world. But they’ve only ever lived in Arizona, maybe visited San Francisco, once, when they were 20 years younger. Not to diminish them as individuals, they are decent souls, yet they have no idea what it’s like to live outside the US, they don’t have a clue what it’s like to give up everything for your job… (sanity, marriage, occasionally yourself.) Maybe that’s a good thing. I sometimes believe that it’d be easier to not know stuff. To not know there was anything more, to not want anything better, to not know I shouldn’t be here… I often think it would be much better to not be smart. Dumb people seem so happy. They don't know any better. The beauty of not knowing... ignorance truly would be bliss.
Mom is healing slowly. All her friends have been saying that they're so grateful I'm here to help her through it. I agree. It's harder to be alone during a time when you're grieving. Without an occasional distraction it's awfully hard to make your dark thoughts go away. We have our routine, our things we do... and I'm getting her out of the house as much as I can. I dragged her to a star party in town last weekend. That was pretty fun. Too cold, but fun.