all things groovy

2009-03-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

2008-11-15T14:37:00.003-05:00

I have to ask myself what is it that women really want? actually I don't care about all women I just care about what I want, but it helps to examine the macro-view before I can focus on the micro. I guess all women want to feel good, to feel valued, to take care of their families and not worry... I suppose my desires for my life aren't *that* different, but I want to finish my education (BS, MA, and PhD), make enough money to retire so that I don't have to worry or work until I die.... I'd like to take care of my mom and dad... have a couple of dear friends in my life who care about me and like spending time with me.... two vacations a year (real vacations not obligations), to feel good/healthy. I don't think any of those things are unattainable, nor are they unreasonable....

I think the biggest challenge is the companionship part. I don't know that I want a man in my life like a husband.... a permanent handyman and occasional footrubber would be okay but I don't want to take care of anyone. Been there, done that...

I believe what happened with my friend was not only a difference of expectations but also a difference in personality. I would like to believe that men do not change my personality, either with or without them. I am who, how, and what I am... at least I'm going to tell myself that...

2008-11-15T00:25:00.004-05:00

For some reason, not exactly sure why, but I've been horribly weepy. I'm not exactly sure why I'm choosing this as my forum, but it could be that it's somewhat anonymous.... I know school has really been stressing me out but this is more than that.

This all started after I was in instructor school and I got a really nasty flu/cough. I was horribly medicated and sent an email questioning why my "BFF" wouldn't answer my texts or emails--I honestly thought she was upset with me but I had no clue as to why? She and her boyfriend showed up at my house unannounced after she had ranted and raved and spent an entire evening saying she wanted no more to do with him... we had gone to the strip club and commenced to doing God knows what... I just remember talking to a very nice young woman who had a master's degree in biochemistry. Anyway, after the "BFF" showed up and the guy she wanted nothing to do with didn't even say hi... AND then was mad at me for not acknowledging him... Wait a minute... who the hell said I had x-ray vision???? I'm just supposed to know that random guy with the helmet on was him? WHATEVER!!! Get over yourself.

Yes, I've spoken to her about this and while she swears she's just living her life and whatever, she spends an awful lot of time with some guy who isn't "long term material". He is one of those guys who tells her he's into her but really he's just into not being alone... just my opinion.

My other friend said to me, "She's a user and is sucking the life out of you." With absolutely no prompting he said that. I am absolutely heartbroken that she has treated me like crap. I cry a lot, I feel so horrible. Jeez I sound pathetic... woe is me. But it feels almost like my asshole ex-boyfriend is back to exact some sort of engineered revenge for some perceived slight (he was so good at it!). It does feel like something died. My mom said, "Don't give up on her," but my reality is that I don't want to be friends with someone whom I can't trust. I don't think I can ever be close to her again. So, just like my mom also said, "She'll never find the long term guy if she keeps hanging out with the not-long-term guy," I won't ever find friends that I want to have in my life if I just keep hanging out with people who treat me like I'm nothing, or only good if you have nothing else to occupy your time.

My eyes are so swollen that I looked in the mirror after washing my face and I look sort of Asian. Ha. Asian with freckles with red hair and chapped lips. My best guy friend said that "she" is a user. That she "seduced" me and got what she wanted, sucked the life out of me and now is wondering why I'm confused that she's not acting like she used to.

For me it is UNacceptable that anyone treats me like I don't matter.

And on top of everything I'm really struggling with my choice to not have a child, to be child-free into my old age... I went to "adoptuskids.org" out of curiosity and in hopes that I could put things into perspective and realize that may it's not for me... but frankly, while I believe it's too hard, I know so many of my friends that are single moms and seem to be okay. I keep wondering. Assessing. Rethinking. I think it's more about being alone and that is soooo the wrong reason to have kids or adopt or marry or even just hang out with someone. I work very hard to only do the things in my life that I want to, to only have associations with people I want to, not just avoiding being alone.

I guess I can admit that I'm sort of freaked out by choosing a nursing home for one--that no one will be around to take care of me. I admit that I do worry that maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life... pathetic, but true.

My dear friend P told me that he has a list of qualities he hopes I find. He wishes for me an older but still fun PhD candidate, a teacher, someone who has been divorced a couple of times and would appreciate me for my experiences and want to show me the proper attentions that I deserve. He should have kids but not like insane children, so much that I can't have a relationship with them.

There are a lot of other things that keep skittering in and out of my view.... I shouldn't write when I'm tired... I don't make sense.

2008-08-17T11:36:00.002-04:00

Well, for all my bluster, it happened again. I believed I had changed my behavior and my expectations and that all would be better... but I was completely wrong. A few months ago I met W, who was a dear friend of several of my dear friends. My schedule is so hectic, that it didn't matter that I didn't see him often, nor did it matter that he didn't call that often after the first couple weeks... I'm too busy to need all that attention that other relationships have needed. And so it goes.... he had tough times, I was a good friend... cared, listened, paid attention, even helped him get a new job when he was having severe troubles at another... yet, on my way to my last final of the term, he decides then that he needs to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore. I suppose it was a nasty feeling, rejection, and the timing wasn't all that great... but when he pulled over his car and professed I was such a great friend and how much he treasured me.... well I lost it! How can you say you treasure someone when you can't be bothered to be considerate? So there's another friend I've had to forget about in my life.
Do I expect too much by just asking someone to be considerate? Is it too much to ask of someone to simply BE a friend when your friend has been one to you? Wow.

Celebrant

2008-06-02T01:57:00.002-04:00

I did it! I'm finally going to be a homeowner. I found this very cool little house in the neighboring town of Bisbee. It's the perfect one-person house, with a tiny porch on the front, yellow siding with dark green trim. The yard is terraced too. I just adore it. While it's pretty small, it's going to force me to re-evaluate a lot of the things I've been collecting over the years. I will have to get rid of a lot of things I thought I couldn't do without. The local "Friends of the Library" will likely get a lot of books next month. I bought a bed! I'm hoping to close the loan early, like the beginning of July instead of August. The tenants that live there now are moving. I'll need to get in there and wash the nicotine off the walls, paint and freshen before I can live there. I hate the smell of smoke. I'm a horrible reformed smoker, a bit righteous there, but I don't care. I hate it. Anyway, I'm so stoked!!! I haven't told mom yet, but I will.
I've made some other decisions about my life as well. I'm going to finish school, but my goals have changed. I'll certainly try to improve my job situation, but in the next several years I'll be saving up to buy a business or three, open my own bookstore or wine bar, and eventually one of my girlfriends and I are discussing opening a Whole Foods market. This silly town needs another grocery, but considering the one organic food market here is about the size of a walk-in closet, we really need some help.
So, yes, that's my deal. I need a new job, too. I have a difficult time being patient with challenging personalities. Just because she's the boss does NOT give her the right to treat me and the rest of the team like we're gum on her shoe.
Toxic people suck.

Re-discovered country

2008-03-22T14:39:00.003-04:00

My blog has languished lately (okay yeah for a year) because I needed to focus on some other things. It occurs to me, though, that this has always been a good forum for me to express my thoughts. While 99% of the time, no one reads what I write, or if they do, they don't comment, I miss the self-expression, I miss the venue and certainly I miss the catharsis of just getting it all out.

Lately, things are good, just more hectic than ever. Working one job full time, another part time and attending school in a full-time program has really taken its toll on whatever social life I had begun to carve out for myself. I don't have too many friends, but maybe that's a good thing.

I say it might be a good thing because I seem to have unrealistic expectations of other people. I genuinely like only a handful, yet they have questionable ethics and certainly aren't honest, neither with themselves nor others. I suppose that shouldn't really bother me but frankly it does. I am so not perfect and certainly do not claim to be the judge or the measuring stick by which everyone should live their lives, however, I do think that as a person I'm entitled to having a few standards.

Honesty and ethical treatment is definitely at the top of the list. I cannot abide a liar, nor will I tolerate someone who is conniving or scheming. Anyone who wants to make others miserable is not acceptable. Also at the top of my list is treating one as I wish to be treated. I try to treat everyone equally and with respect and courtesy. This isn't the case with a lot of people I know. This is why they aren't my friends, they are simply people I know.

I'm harping on this point because there have been two incidents in which I'm struggling with forgiveness. Situations with old friends who, while they may not realize it, their behavior was really quite distressing. One friend from nearly 20 years ago, we've kept touch throughout the years and sometimes we lived in the same neighborhood. More often than not, we've been long-distance. About a year ago, he had told me that he had feelings for me that weren't exactly just friendship. I was just coming off a painful breakup and while his attention was not unwelcome it was ill-timed. Neither of us was eager to date anyone, so we agreed to wait and see what happened as I healed. Later we made plans to get together for a weekend and catch up. Just before these plans were finalized, (paid for) I called him. It was sort of late in the evening, but that never seemed to be a problem before. I heard him pick up the phone and then hang it up, as if he couldn't hear me. I phoned again. Same situation. This happened four times probably, each time with him hanging up. I tried his cell phone, thinking there might be a problem with his phone. It's happened to me before, so I was just trying to solve the problem. When he answered his cell phone he sounded strangely, as if putting on a show. I immediately picked up that something was not right. I asked him if things were okay. He replied that he'd been sick and really wasn't up to talking. I told him I hoped he felt better and asked him to return my call at a more convenient time, reminding him we were to finalize our plans that weekend. He made some more remarks, ending them with, "I should feel better soon, my girlfriend just gave me a suppository."

Wow. Well. "Oh," was all I could muster. "Again, I hope you feel better." I hung up the phone.

Subsequently I wrote him a letter, asking him to just stay away. I didn't need any more disappointment in my life, no more situations to heal from, no more betrayal. I've not heard from him since. I'm grateful he respected my request to stay away, but it's more likely he got crap from his girlfriend for having some woman call him late at night and he's grateful he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. Oacham's Razor of Male Emotion.

So, this is "re-discovered" country as a friend of mine recently went through some very serious life-changing events. He struggled with a serious cancer issue, his mother passed away, his wife threatened to leave him the day after his mother's funeral, and he had some serious medication issues leaving him rather like an emotional Beirut. He called me for friendship and support throughout the evolving situation. I agreed with him that he needed to make some serious changes in his life, to include healing his cancer completely (eating better, taking his medication and quitting smoking), taking a break from his marriage as it was not helping him heal from the loss of his mother (who would throw a baby temper tantrum at their husband for not paying enough attention to her while he's grieving?), and spending some more time with his family, possibly even moving to be closer to them if that's what it took. We spoke several times a week, sometimes several times a day. I was coming to rely on his counsel for some of the situations I was facing with my own family and decisions I needed to make. Suddenly about a month ago, he stopped answering my email, turned off his cell phone, etc. In a last ditch effort to make sure he hadn't committed suicide or died in a car crash, I emailed him at work. A day later, a newsy cheerful missive made its way to my inbox: back with wife who hates his children and doesn't understand that maybe someone might be sad when their mother dies, medication and cancer is okay, and happy about it all.

Again, Wow.

Hey, do whatever you need to with your life, but shit! Do not treat me like I'm a disposable plate. I will not be your emotional tampon, then just stand by while you toss me aside in the trash. And yet, that's exactly what has happened. That's exactly what I allowed in both those situations. Why, oh why can't people just be good to each other and care how the other feels in the situation? BAH!!!!!! ARGH!!!!

*sigh* I will get over it, but I will not forget it.

Nothing's gonna keep this kid down....

2007-04-26T01:48:00.000-04:00

It was as if I’d given up. Given up on writing, given up on friends, most everything I treasured… depression sucked the sparkle out of my eyes. I felt under-valued, under-whelmed and under-appreciated. It’s not like anything really changed about my life, but I changed. One day I woke up and, even though I’d never tell him, I’m grateful he did what he did. I’m so thankful that I won’t be spending my life mired in a relationship that would never be what it should have been. I won’t spend my life with a man who doesn’t love himself, doesn’t value himself and therefore cannot give his whole heart. Our relationship never would have been one of unconditional love and sheer joy of being so fortunate to be in each other’s lives. I once told him that I couldn’t imagine my life without him… now I can’t imagine my life with someone who thinks so little of me.
I absolutely, categorically and by the grace of God/dess managed to get away just in the nick of time. It’s taken a year to get to this place and I’m so glad I went through it… or I would be less somehow.
Career wise things are stable. I have a good job, but it pays terribly. The boss knows it but is completely powerless to change it. I’ve already told him he’ll lose me unless we can find a solution. He’s listening, but the wheels of change in county government are slow. Especially in this county. For the life of me, though, despite this, I can’t think of a better place to be. The people I work with are fantastic, supportive, and smart. The people who actually make the decisions about stuff are not so smart.
Funny, but there are a few people I work with who truly believe they are these sophisticates and know everything about wine, food, the world. But they’ve only ever lived in Arizona, maybe visited San Francisco, once, when they were 20 years younger. Not to diminish them as individuals, they are decent souls, yet they have no idea what it’s like to live outside the US, they don’t have a clue what it’s like to give up everything for your job… (sanity, marriage, occasionally yourself.) Maybe that’s a good thing. I sometimes believe that it’d be easier to not know stuff. To not know there was anything more, to not want anything better, to not know I shouldn’t be here… I often think it would be much better to not be smart. Dumb people seem so happy. They don't know any better. The beauty of not knowing... ignorance truly would be bliss.
Mom is healing slowly. All her friends have been saying that they're so grateful I'm here to help her through it. I agree. It's harder to be alone during a time when you're grieving. Without an occasional distraction it's awfully hard to make your dark thoughts go away. We have our routine, our things we do... and I'm getting her out of the house as much as I can. I dragged her to a star party in town last weekend. That was pretty fun. Too cold, but fun.

2007-01-05T03:29:00.000-05:00

My stepfather died tonight. While it feels so strangely surreal, I just can't get my head wrapped about why I feel so bad. He was never that good to me. Never really that good to my mom. I don't get it.

Crazy Quiz thang

2007-01-02T00:18:00.000-05:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Romantic	\|\|	10%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|	16%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Peter pan complex	\|\|	10%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Physical Fitness	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
introverted, secretive, reclusive, tough, non social, observer, fearless, solitary, libertarian, detached, does not like to lead, outsider, abides the rules, mind over heart, good at saving money, does not like to stand out, does not make friends easily, self sufficient, not aggressive, likes the unknown, unconcerned with external opinion, strong, abstract, independent, very intellectual, analytical, high self control

oooh it's an ATF kinda day...

2007-01-01T00:24:00.000-05:00

I had a real tough Christmas this year. So I'm having a bang up New Year. The perfect day, the perfect way to end the year.... mixing alcohol and firearms, discovering new ways to break my resolutions and royally fucking up my diet. Crap-o-matic, what the hell do I care?

On the other hand we've had a Law & Order-a-licious-palooza. How can that suck?

We used most of the day to clear some dead and downed trees on our property and cut them up into firewood... then luckily we went shooting again. I think next month I'm buying a new gun. Geezo peezo I sound like a redneck.

But it's not like I just have a gun collection or want to be the new breed of David Koresh. I've been mugged, robbed, burglarized, and stalked several times in the last few years. And then the other day, my mom was getting my step-dad dressed to go to the doctor... and some asshole broke in to the house. This is unacceptable. That's the second time in 6 weeks. You'd get a gun too. And I've even been safe about it. I got a carry-concealed permit and I'm learning to clean my gun, the difference between bullets, and shooting regularly so I can be a crack shot. Next month I'm buying a Bersa .380 or another similar semi-auto to carry. Right now I'm carrying a .38 Special. The semi-auto is a much more elegant weapon and it's got a safety.

The guys at work are all so impressed that I've been working at this. Hell most of them want my gun. They keep offering to trade me theirs for mine. HA! Some days it's a lot of fun to work with cops. They can be a hoot when they want to be. I adore my guys: The Scot, the baby Deputy, the underachiever, the old Indian, the chihuahua Sarge, the HOT Lieu, the Analyst and the National Guard Chick. They're like characters in a novel. Each one has their own unique part in the story. They love me... it's a good place to be after all the recent crappy crap.

The Sarge said the other day he was separating the baby Deputy and the underachiever... "they're like oil and water these days..." So the Scot said, "Don't worry Sarge, I'm like a baked potato. I go well with anything." They're just too damned cute!

And so the Groovy Chronicles continue... all things are groovy...
Peace Love and man-stopper bullets,
Groovy

Really...

2006-12-29T00:37:00.000-05:00

The job I currently have subjects me to many situations that I have absolutely NO control over. It's so terribly frustrating, but it's not as if no one else has tried to solve the problem before. I still feel compelled to try. I cannot sit by and watch without at least attempting to come up with a solution.

Mostly my job description is all about staying passive and just processing what they tell me to, manage the office, ensure everyone has what they need and little initiative is required. Strangely, I am compelled to try.

Gonna go pass out now and think outside the covers.
Peace Love and bumps on logs...
Groovy

what matters most

2006-12-26T01:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a long time because well... frankly I found myself terribly boring, continuing to lament a failed relationship, analyzing every detail and blah blah blah... I am sick to death of my self.

I've been working my tail off at my new job. I like it, I like the people a lot, but the pay is pretty bad. Benefits are supposed to make up for it, but honestly I need three times what they pay. I'm looking for a new job, but I'm not expecting much. Hoping... not expecting.

Christmas was a tough one this year, but examining the good things: I was home with my mom, I managed to catch a lot of the James Bond Marathon on Spike :) I made a fabulous dinner (prime rib, roasted potatoes, green bean casserole, the best red wine and lovely apple pie). Yes... I rule.

So, I'm working on writing about crap that matters... like cooking! hahaha

Hope you had a Groovy Christmas

oh he was sooo right...

2006-09-09T17:02:00.000-04:00

Julien (commenter on last entry) was so right! This dude has continued to disappoint. As my mother says, "When a person shows you who they are, listen to them the first time." I often give people a break or let things go that I shouldn't. I chalked it up to being patient or easy-going... but really it's the behavior of a doormat or any other rug that people wipe their shitty feet on. I think that might be the lesson God is trying to teach me. Demand more from people. I always say I'm going to do this but then I don't. I'm absolutely not high maintenence. I am often overlooked or ignored because I allow this. strangely I do not know HOW to behave in a relationship where I ask for what I want. I keep expecting it to fall into my lap but it never does. Gee.... wonder why? :)

Words and actions...

2006-07-26T14:10:00.000-04:00

what the hell is wrong with people? Okay maybe more specifically men? I know I shouldn't be, but I sort of started seeing someone. I figured it would be little else but a welcome distraction and an occasional ego boost. He's a nice enough dude, attractive, sweet. We became friends. Then for some reason he kept telling me how into me he was and how much he liked me. Little soon for me... I let him know this... so we're cool. That's nice.

Now, just to say why I'm bugged by this: for some reason seeing him for more than a couple of hours is like pulling teeth. I am not a freaky jealous person, but honestly I'm beginning to wonder if he's not married or seeing someone else. Strangely though I can call him nearly anytime (except during work hours) and he'll answer or call me right back. So... maybe he's just not as into me as he says. I don't care if he's seeing 50 other women... just don't LIE to me about it. And if he's married... yeah it's a NO GO.

And it's not that I'm angry... disappointed is more the word. Disappointed that he doesn't try harder to see me, disappointed that he's telling me what I want to hear rather than the truth. Maybe I have a difficult time acknowledging that he really is busy since when I call him he's doing things like: hanging out watching a movie, sleeping, driving to Tucson to play poker, playing on line poker... And every time I've made the effort to see him he's turned me down. when someone really likes you they really want to see you right? They should make an effort even if it's only for a half an hour.

I didn't think my expectations were all that high but maybe I'm just a bitch. I never believed myself to be high-maintenance. Maybe I am the worst kind (as defined by Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally"--"You're the worst kind... you think you're low maintenance but really you're high maintenance." )

We'll see what happens. It's just that when a guy turns down chances to see his potential girlfriend, or often says "Let's do.... whatever" and then forgets or cancels on you... yeah that's not the behavior of a dude who's into ya. I should just tell him to bugger off or call me when he can find the time. But yeah... I think I might be over-reacting. And then I'm just super-psycho bitch. Such a joy am I.

2006-07-25T15:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you think you know something and then you figure out that you're a complete dork and don't know crap.

I've spent the last 3 months looking for a decent paying job to focus on, help me finish my schooling and basically to pay for my new life. I figured that since there is an abundance of jobs in my old field that this would be a snap. Someone would see my resume and know that I would be the next star in their company... I forgot that maybe that year off or maybe that I've been out of the game for a year might actually hold me back a little.

There's nothing like getting a job interview though to put your faults right there on the top of your list. I know what's wrong with me. I have a tough time seeing past that forest to highlight those green trees of what's so right about me. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Selling yourself sucks!

It's difficult to find that happy medium between confidence and conceit. I know I was really good at my job. I was often rewarded with praise and being picked for other special jobs that required someone special to do them. I was promoted regularly. I was also always given the highest marks when it came to evaluation time.

So, what's not to love? Right.

bumper sticker

2006-07-06T16:47:00.000-04:00

I don't know if y'all read the articles about the border issues down here in Southern AZ but it's "bordering" on the ridiculous... no pun intended.

Funny bumper sticker: I'm not a vigilante, I'm an undocumented border patrol agent.

I was laughing so hard I nearly smacked my forehead on the steering wheel. Shit, that would have ruined my nearly perfect driving record.

baseball

2006-07-05T15:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball... and sometimes that curve ball hits you square between the eyes. One can either lay there in the batter's box, dazed, confused and rubbing the swelling goose-egg all the while moaning that life isn't fair... or one can pick oneself up, dust oneself off and head to first.

I realize that R will not only absolutely regret what he has decided to do, but he will also never admit it.

I realize that I can never go back. Nor do I really want to.

I realize that my confusion and pain will fade. Some has already.

I realize that having such trouble finding a job is really why I'm feeling shitty. I have to be patient.

I realize that stupid baseball analogies will only make me feel better sometimes. The other times I wish I had a big baseball bat.

L is for Loser

2006-06-29T17:23:00.000-04:00

There are days and then there are other days. Not sure what that means but it sounded really good.

So when looking for a job, be prepared to feel like you've got a big L taped to your forehead. At least this is for shmo's like me who don't take rejection well. I feel the cosmos has a message for me and it's "you need to hit bottom baby." or something like that.

I suppose I really shouldn't be so hard on myself but here's the bottom of the bottom: nearly 60 applications later I have had NO interviews. That's right. Not even Home Depot.

Now it's not like I'm stupid, inarticulate or even have a big zit on my forehead. Usually. I'm nearly well educated, somewhat attractive, personable... yet not one phone call. The phone works. But I'm still not.

Well meaning people say, "oh well you should be willing to accept something for the meantime..." yeah cheesehead, hadn't thought of that... I thought I was just going to rule the world now without having to step on the shoulders of those who opposed me. I know they mean well, but what do they think? Really it's because they have very little useful things to say. But I'm not supposed to be mean. I'm supposed to just say Oh thank you for thinking I'm that dumb.

Can you tell I'm frustrated?

2006-06-19T00:46:00.000-04:00

"This may not be the life I chose, but it's the life that chose me."

So I'm trying to make the best of it. Mom and I are settling into an easy routine. I still am looking for a job.

It's weird. I don't feel like a loser because I was unceremoniously dumped on my ass by that idiot... I feel like a loser because not one company has called me for an interview. 50 resumes. Not one phone call. My friend said, "Oh you don't have your bachelor's degree." So freakin' what???? You don't need a degree to work at Home Depot.

*sigh* I'm sure something will come I just have to be positive. Some days are easier than others.

Cultivate apathy.

2006-04-25T14:01:00.000-04:00

I was reading a post by Kristine on her blog (Random and Odd) about her daughter. Apparently some nasty woman told her lovely teenaged daughter that she looked anorexic. This beautiful, vibrant young woman is now questioning herself and feeling ugly because of one woman.

Why are we so terrible to each other?

Kristine ended by asking when the last time it was we felt beautiful. I personally can't recall. Probably the last time Robb told me I was pretty. Which was a year ago. maybe.

Why I need his validation, I'll never know.

I read all the comments and only a handful of women felt beautiful on a regular basis. The more I thought about this the sadder it made me.

I've decided this summer is all about getting me back. A summer of loving myself. Meditating, reading, thinking, writing in my journal, taking classes, eating better, exercising. Reminding myself of who I am and why I used to have confidence. Reinventing myself sans man. Maybe then I'll feel beautiful no matter what I do.

2006-04-24T21:00:00.000-04:00

I still feel like someone is standing on my chest but at least the freakin' brickload has been lifted. I had my final critique in design (he liked it) and portfolio turn in for Color theory. I think he liked it.

Now I'm just biding my time and biting my tongue. His personal ad on yahoo must be slacking because he's actually been nice to me today, hung out with me and fetched Chinese food for dinner.

I'm going to miss the dog.

2006-04-19T17:01:00.000-04:00

I usually spend most of my day feeling sick to my stomach or like I've been kicked in the groin. (Yes it hurts on chicks too.) Except yesterday and part of today. I don't know why but for some reason, my mind is lighter, my heart is beating normally and my nervous system seems like it's straightened out. My stomach still has butterfly moments, but I am beginning to heal.

Don't misunderstand, I'm still hurting.

Birdy made a comment that I thought was worth addressing. Yeah sure "fuck that guy"--wish it was that simple... I still live here...for another week but really... I'm still in the house... still living here!!!! But seriously here's what happened.

I asked him for 3 days in a row, please spare me the pain of seeing/hearing you with someone new. "I am fragile right now and I'm asking for some consideration and compassion. I'd appreciate you waiting until I'm out of the house."

He agreed it was only right, and that I wasn't asking for too much. Not two days later I was getting phone calls from some woman. I repeatedly asked her to please phone R on his cell phone. She did not. She was playing a really hurtful game. R wouldn't answer any call I made.

Right or wrong, I went to his mother because I couldn't get his attention. Not to mention, I couldn't understand how "You'll always be able to reach me and I care about you," suddenly turned into ignoring and acting like he was in high school. A couple days pass and he phones me telling me that he's on his way home and yes he is seeing someone new. "Gee it just happened."

So you're telling me that you were just pants-free and she was naked and you tripped and fell over.... repeatedly? Right.

Well imagine my aggravation. Not to mention how insulted I felt to know that my dignity was worth so little to him. I am not trying to revisit, only to express a certain "here it is."

I have woken up to the fact that much of our relationship has been based on bullshit and him just trying to maintain the status quo. I'm ready for the next phase of my life, new challenges, new independence.

AND: I got an A in philosophy!!! I passed my design final! And yes I got a 95 on my last math test! I am cruising for an A in color theory, a B in Drawing and maybe.... if I do better than an 85 on my math final next week I might get an A in math... holey shit.

What type of soul are you?

2006-04-17T19:38:00.000-04:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Comfort

2006-04-16T10:34:00.000-04:00

During my efforts to sort of comfort myself, I got a phone call from a dear friend. He asked if I received his text message the other day. I hadn't gotten anything at all so I was sort of joking with him that some random woman was probably wondering why the hell he texted her. He didn't laugh. I immediately knew something was wrong... Michael always gives me at least a courtesy chuckle if he doesn't make a smart assed remark.

Come to find out his girlfriend kicked him out. They hadn't been together for too long, but I knew he absolutely adored her. She was seemingly a lovely person. Then she kicks him out because she can't seem to reconcile her fear of commiting. Geez what is this an epidemic? The "anti-commit" pandemic of 2006? Like Bird flu. We should all get immunized.

So... I have decided that my "Earth mother" image is in tact. My class mates seem to always talk to me, gravitate to me, seek me out... strangely it helps to nurture, to help someone else, to comfort. It's oddly helpful. So I guess wallowing isn't really where I am...

wallowing...

2006-04-16T07:53:00.000-04:00

I don't write much right now since all i am consumed with is my grief and suffering.

One minute I'm fine, able to move on, looking forward. The next I'm in a puddle of tears. I know it will help when I'm not in this house anymore, but right now it's everything I can do just to leave the house some days.

I suppose what I'm still grappling with is the fact that for the last two years I've gone to bed every night knowing that I was truly loved. I believed I was finally loved, with his whole heart. I believed that our level of commitment to each other, to his daughter and to our future was equal.

I don't want to believe I went complacent, but maybe I did... maybe I got too comfortable with the notion that this was for good and I didn't see what was really happening...

And so I grieve. It was so easy for him to find a new love. So easy. Maybe that's what hurts so much... I was so easy to discard... like yesterday's laundry. Not even a backward glance.

So if that's the case, then how could I have loved so much? How could I have chosen this man over all others to give my heart to? How stupid did I need to be? I feel like part of me died. I just hope I can eventually revive it. I don't ever want to be one of those bitter-hearted battered women.

18 days and a wakeup

2006-04-09T08:31:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday no phone calls. Thank God. I'm sick to my stomach all the time now and I feel that fight or flight response surging through me pretty much all day long.

He's coming back from Nashville today. I'm sure he's probably going to be a pain I'm sure he's still mad at me. Not that I've done anything wrong, but when confronted with things about himself that he doesn't like he lashes out.

I felt like I had no choice but to go to his parents and ask for help. I am sure, though, that he's angry that I did so. I didn't want to talk to them about any of this stuff but he left me no choice. Without being able to trust him, I couldn't just leave everything in his hands. Without being able to feel safe here I couldn't function.

I realize I'm fixated on this now and it's all I seem to be able to write about but the fact of the matter is that I just can't see past this right now. I'm stuck. A few times a day I can look forward and be optimistic about the future, but this is here, now and in my face.

the phone calls

2006-04-08T10:14:00.000-04:00

Just a quickie on this. I'm really a bit freaked out but here's why:

Thursday night when I was on the phone with my dad I kept getting the call waiting
beep. The number was always listed as private caller so I didn't click over. Friday morning I got a few more hang up private caller calls. I tried to blow it off. Then a woman phoned asking for Robb. I told her he wasn't here and offered to take a message. She declined saying "Oh well I saw him yesterday and I'm sure I'll see him later today." I said, "Wonderful, BYE."and hung up.

I tried calling Robb some 20 times and he never phoned back. I sent him a text message and also an email explaining that I would not tolerate this. I didn't deserve the game this woman was playing.

His email reply was that he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me but "I'm sorry you
got caught up in this and I'll do what I can to get you out of it and get it to stop."

WHAT?????

So I thought that was it. Then again last night at about 10:30 pm she phoned again, claiming she thought Robb might have stopped in to check in on his way back to Nashville. He was supposed to be in Nashville already. She tried to explained to her that Robb was not home, she was very rude to me, condescending and I told her to call his cell phone. I told her I couldn't help her and hung up.

I went down to talk to Robb's parents today. I'm really upset about the calls, and the lies that I could always reach Robb and that he'd make sure I wasn't bothered so I could make it through school. His mom was really supportive and understanding. I talked to them as well because I don't know who this woman is, for all I know she's like the Fatal Attraction chick and going to try to boil my dog or something. I can't trust anything Robb says or does right now. They were completely supportive and understanding. They agree that he has no right to be angry with me about this... I've done nothing wrong. In his mom's words, "He's gone stupid again." and his dad wants
to take Robb out to the woodshed.

I really didn't want to get them involved but frankly Robb has left me no choice. I won't be held hostage in my own home. I refuse to not answer the phone or any of those other solutions. Whatever Robb has gotten involved in should never have splashed into my life but it has. This is unacceptable. I refuse to be treated with such contempt when I've done nothing but love him. The whole comment about "I will try to get you out of it..." really gets my goat. Why should anything have remotely gotten out of hand to be anything to "get me out of." I did nothing to deserve that. I don't know who this man is.

Just a quick update. I'm fine, just upset.

and so it ends...

2006-04-07T22:52:00.000-04:00

Now there's some woman calling the house, playing some childish and hateful game. She's called nearly ten times. Twice she's spoken to me but the rest of the time she hangs up. Still trying to figure out what to do. I'm polite and sort of like, "You'll have to call his cell phone because I really can't help you."

I'm doing what I can to be smart and just finish what I need to and then get the hell out of here.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm sure there will be harder things in my life and I understand that life is about suffering. But shouldn't that suffering balance out with some happy? If there's supposed to be balance, then maybe I should have happy for the rest of my days. I feel like I've suffered enough for ten people.

Then I remember my friend who has cancer. Maybe this is not that bad. It hurts like hell every damn day but I know it'll go away. So... why is it that I deserve these phone calls?

2006-04-07T00:50:00.000-04:00

Well I had thought I figured it out... Relationships are hard. Very hard. Especially when the person you're in the relationship with lies to you and betrays you.

The more I think about this and allow myself to over-react and get upset, freak out, turn around, calm down, think rationally, ask myself again and again, "What did I do wrong?" I realize now that I didn't do anything wrong. Well, I trusted the wrong man. I believed that since he's from a really good family and had been betrayed himself that the possibility of him betraying me were less than remote. I was wrong. I've been wrong for a long time.

I was absolutely convinced that he is seeing another girl, someone we know. Well he knows her, she won't even say hello to me so whatever. I was so convinced it was her he was seeing. Now I'm not sure, but I realize it's still a possibility. Her "my space" has a bunch of stuff about her "new boyfriend" but the photo is of another guy. This doesn't mean anything really.

I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm betrayed.

2006-04-07T00:49:00.000-04:00

The petals
of morning violets
soak the sun
reflected through
the kisses of morning dew.

A cheerful
song
of robins
their red breast
sculpting their notes
ensuring the
happy
reaches my ears.

Again so bittersweet
to see the face of my love
and feel the loss
of his gentle touch
an empty hole
where my heart sat
yesterday
yet so grateful
am I
to have loved him
at all

when I'm pissed....

2006-04-03T20:12:00.000-04:00

Lately when I've been angry or upset, I call Robb and let loose.

At first he resisted, then one day, I calmly explained that I'm angry and upset. The reason I'm angry and upset is his doing. It's only right that he listen to what I have to say. He wants to be my friend after all right? Otherwise I'll have a heart attack from bottling up all the feelings I have.

He now listens calmly, provides clarification or feedback and says he truly is trying to put himself in my situation.

This doesn't solve anything, but it sure does make me feel better to unload on him instead of calling my mom to pick up the pieces. Not to mention, it only makes sense to ask him to deal with his own mess.

It's working well so far and honestly, at this point, I think he should be responsible for these consequences.

Today I went to school and needed to write something down. I fished around in the car for a piece of paper. I found some directions in Robb's handwriting. He went to Atlanta yesterday, but these directions weren't to Atlanta. Unless someone moved Atlanta into Middle Tennessee and I just don't know about it. I called him and confronted him about why he lied to me. I mean, what motive did he have? We actually had a fruitful discussion about trust and expectations.

Next time, I'm just going to kick his ass. What he really needs is some killin' but .... nah I'll let it go for now.

no respect

2006-04-01T07:35:00.000-05:00

So, the money problem reared its ugly head Thursday. I came home from school and was heading to the bathroom when he pounced on me to tell me that our account was overdrawn again. I had been keeping track of what I believed to be in that account pretty closely. But there's the problem. I keep track of what I think is in there, but he doesn't always tell me what he's doing. This is what I meant by he won't help me. I don't have access to that account to check it, he doesn't tell me what he uses it for, so I'm trying to keep track of it by myself. And I don't do a very good job at reading his mind. Short of discussing this with the bank, I don't know what else I could have done. He wouldn't work with me, yet it's all my fault.

I only use that account for gas and groceries. Anything else comes out of another account that's solely in my name.

Next thing I know he's telling me how he fixed it and the words are, "I gave you some money to fix the problem." Considering it's a joint account, maybe it's not just my problem. And I didn't get there by myself. I bite my tongue about it. It won't solve anything to prove I'm right. He's convinced I have a problem so whatever.

Yesterday I was supposed to make dinner but he didn't come home until 7. I asked if he wanted dinner still and he made a face and said he'd had a big lunch. This was really inconsiderate, even with a mild apology.

My mom and I are working out the moving arrangements and I may be moving 3 days earlier than I thought. Good. I need to get the fuck out of here.

stuff portrait friday

2006-03-31T18:07:00.000-05:00

My bathrobe.

The washer and dryer with bonus teeshirt and flannel.

Flowers in the wine barrel on the porch.

feeling small...

2006-03-31T14:50:00.000-05:00

So I made a few decisions. While perusing jobs on all the websites I realized that unless I go back to my old career field, there's no way I'll be able to afford to buy a house. Yet the only places I can make really good money are in DC or Virginia. I really don't want to live tehre again. I think the hour long commute to go 15 miles was just a bit too much.

So, I decided to look for something overseas. I found several jobs associated with reconstruction in Iraq and Afghanistan. While the situation there is not optimum, it seems to me that it would be good for me to go somewhere like that and feel small again. I think I need to help others, feel like a citizen of the world again so that my life and my problems don't seem like the end of the world. When I was in the AF it helped me to go on humanitarian missions or when working with people to create something new, it seemed that I was at my happiest. At least it could be cathartic.

I remember watching "The Constant Gardener" and thinking to myself that the situation in Africa or Afghanistan seemed so hopeless. Like you wouldn't really be able to make a difference for more than just one person. It seemed like it wasn't worth that sort of effort. That seemed so defeatist. I'm usually not a defeatist. It's possible that helping one person, one group or family of persons.... that might be rewarding enough to help put things into perspective for me.

ch-ch-ch-changes....

2006-03-29T19:54:00.000-05:00

I've figured it out. I think I understand why he's made the decision he's made: He fears change.

Relationships are living, breathing entities all their own. Often we need to make small adjustments to our lives or to adjust what we expect out of the other person. When you make a commitment, you go into it knowing that you'll have to change a few things, maybe about yourself, maybe just your lifestyle, or maybe just simple things like taking better care of yourself because someone needs you.

When we first decided to be together over a year ago, we talked about all the changes we'd go through. I for one was glad to have the company and a friend to be there with me while we grew and changed.

I look at R and he's not changed a lick. He still wants to go out and hang with his buddies. He still wants to go to movies. He still wants to go to England to be with his little girl when he can. He still eats what he eats, he doesn't exercise, he still smokes. We live where he wanted to live, no compromise. We do his stuff, no compromise.

It never really was a problem for me. Until I had some health problems and needed to change a few things about my lifestyle. No help, no support. Not a big deal, I'm a big girl, I can handle that. Then when we had some money problems and I asked for help, he basically blew me off and said he wasn't going to agree to the changes I wanted to make. They were small and simple things, but he absolutely wouldn't do it. I tried to handle it myself and had trouble but was improving. Things were getting back on track.

But the writing was on the wall, if he wanted to continue in our arrangement there would have to be some changes. I guess that was too much for him.

something's going on....

2006-03-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know what... but there's something happening. Something that R is planning or doing that he's not telling me about. I have a feeling that it involves a. getting back together with his ex or b. moving back to England to be closer to his daughter. He won't tell me, nor will I ask, but it's there.

I've been having dreams that I come home and he's in the bedroom with someone else, things of that nature. I'm sure it's my imagination running away with me but it hurts nonetheless.

I'm completely going on my gut with the evaluation that something's going on, and I admit I could be wrong. I just know I've not trusted my intuition for quite some time. I think it's time because it's usually right.

Subject change: I've applied for a few other jobs. Probably won't hear anything for a while. Those wheels tend to turn slowly. But it's progress. Moving forward, making decisions, taking charge.

As I always say to my girlfriends... why are you letting HIM make any decision for you? If you want something, go get it. If he wants you, he knows where to find you and what he has to do to make it right.

open sore

2006-03-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

I think this is so hard because of proximity.

Usually when couples break up, one of them leaves. They're apart. Not just in separate bedrooms.

So I suppose it's natural that I feel raw and wounded all the time. I am confronted with my loss every day. And some days it feels like I'm an errant cat having her nose rubbed in her mess.

Living here is like forcing a diabetic chocoholic to work at Godiva to keep her health insurance.

2006-03-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

I have had to be selfish for the past week or so... I haven't had time to answer a lot of the email I've gotten nor read all the blogs I like reading. I've been sort of self-absorbed. Then the comment from yesterday sort of got me...

Kris tells me I'm amazing, all my other girlfriends have been saying the same things, like how strong I am. That was so wonderful to hear/read, but the thing is... those women are the amazing ones. I mean... Kris has *5* kids --Hell I freak about one little baby and she's got FIVE!!! And to read her stuff about being a mom, the amazing way she handles her children... how engaged she is with her kids, her struggles to get where she is and her fight for happiness. That's strength.

Then there's Carol, Denise, Andrea, Laura, Vic and Jo, just to name a few... they all are so fantastic. I'm lucky to have people like that in my life. My suffering seems like stupid whining when I think of all the struggles I've read about from them, from many of my fellow humans.

Then something amazing happened--I had this really close friend, Josh, several years ago when I lived in Baltimore. We were inseperable. We would often find ourselves reading the same book... unplanned. For nearly 3 years we were like that. Then suddenly when I moved to England he just basically ignored me.

I was really hurt. About 2 years later, I got an email out of the blue that he was getting married and wanted me to come to his wedding. Huh? I tried to be sort of polite about it but the whole time I was so confused.

Several other times he made efforts to see me and hang out but then would ignore me for months. I got frustrated. But when I wrote him and asked for help... he has really amazed me. He's really come through from help with my resume to offering me a place to stay if I want to go up there to do some interviews. He had 5 or 6 guys he works with rally around my qualifications and and work some magic on them. They've all offered to give my resume to their HR people.

I'm so grateful to have wonderful friends, fantastic humans, amazing women and such a fantastic family. I suppose all the pain and suffering tax I've been paying lately has helped fund this. Whatever it was... I'm just grateful.

I wish I didn't care

2006-03-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

So Robb goes out to hang with his buddies for 7-8 pm. He leaves early, like 5-ish to hang out with the guys before closing.

He tells me, "Don't wait dinner."

Okay. I don't.

So, it's now 10:23 pm.

I'm not calling him.

I so wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't want to curl up with him. I wish I didn't love my dog so damned much. I wish I wasn't sitting here wondering what he's doing.

NO, I would not want to go back from whence we came or anything like that. I guess I'm doing that "wishing it never happened thing" but even that's stupid.

I wish I hated him.

But I don't.

I'm just heartbroken.

so there

2006-03-21T22:00:00.000-05:00

I've been doing some journalling and lots of contemplation. I think part of my isolation and loneliness feeling stems from being an only child. Coupled with not being a mom at my age and it's just a recipe for singularity.

Even my girlfriend from childhood... we've known each other since we were in 4th grade.... she was sort of like an only child. Her brother was in his late 20's when she was born and when we were kids, he had toddlers. She says she thinks of him as sort of an uncle or something. But she has a brother. She's not an only child.

Only children understand the concept of siblings but we don't get it really. We've never been there. We don't know what that's like. Many of my friends have said I'm not missing anything... well honestly how would they know?

Just like I'm not supposed to have an opinion about child-rearing.

open your eyes

2006-03-21T17:58:00.000-05:00

When you're out in the world, or even more important, at home, with your family or loved ones... think about how your actions effect others.

The crap that has happened in this relationship still just bowls me over. Robb told everyone else but me that there was a problem. "Love" and "cherish" were words that were used regularly. "Trust" and "faith" were another two constant terms. And at no time did I know that his level of commitment did not match mine. As a matter of fact, I asked him several times from Christmas on about our goals, our commitment, our life. Betrayal on this scale for this duration is simply not something I can fathom.

My dad has always said that one of my positive traits is that I always believe people wouldn't do things I wouldn't do. This is, in his opinion, also my greatest weakness. I never see it coming when somone hurts me.

I don't see this as a weakness. I see this as a strength. I don't want to be that cynical old bitch who never lets anyone get to know her.

I really need to stop talking to my father about this stuff. I'm beginning to see that he's sort of undermining my growth and healing.

Black. White.

2006-03-18T23:02:00.000-05:00

Have you guys ever seen Black. White.? This is really intriguing. And frustrating. And provocative. I only watched this tonight but really... it's fascinating. I've always lived in really diverse areas, I've dated various races and nationalities and I'd like to believe that I've grown from that. These people... Interesting views.

cat-like reflexes

2006-03-18T21:36:00.000-05:00

So Robb and I have spent all day together, doing stuff. Went to Blockbuster, hung out with the dog, watched movies, watched tv, talked about movies and tv. But, according to him, we have nothing left in common anymore. Sure.

My sculpture is going to be fine. I'll be able to finish it tomorrow and henna my hair... and even be able to paint I'm hoping. Gotta make the most of my last day of spring break. Especially since this was probably the worst fucking spring break I've ever had. I haven't really done much...

Funny how living this life is really no different from the one I had before. I guess there's a lesson in that alone.

When we went to Blockbuster today, Robb was sort of joking with the clerk. She had like zero sense of humor. And we both were surprised that he didn't even rate an eyeroll. After thinking about it for a few minutes I think she may have thought he was flirting with her in front of me.... me being perceived as his girlfriend. He's a shit, but he's not that big of one.

I was telling my mom last night how it seems that a lot of my friends have genuinely rallied around me, reminding me of how valuable I am to others besides my family. Heck even my old bosses were happy to be references. It was nice to really touch base with everyone. It'd been nearly a year since I'd left to start school. I wondered if they would treat me as a failure or a loser, but they were genuinely concerned adn really cool about stuff... life has it's twists and turns.

I've decided that I'm a lot like a cat. No matter how many times I fall I will always land on my feet... and I'm cute and cuddly. And I like to chase little furry things.

the hunt

2006-03-17T20:29:00.000-05:00

I applied for several jobs in the past couple of days and have reconnected with some old bosses/friends. I've got a couple friends reviewing my resume and I'm rewriting it already into CV format. It's going to take me forever to do that but hey, I'll make the time.

Somehow having the direction, having the tasks to perform is helping me to feel better. I didn't cry at all today, nor did I feel the urge.

I took action. I reserved a moving truck this morning.

My cousin Denise is flying in from Montana to drive from Chattanooga to Tucson with me.

Mom will be tasked with procuring me a PO Box and a storage unit. Those will be my only monthly expenses for a while. Mom has offered to not only let me use her car, the guest house but also cable tv, internet and whatever else I need that she can help me with. Thank GOD for mom. She rules!!!

the crux

2006-03-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

--+--+Warning: Some of this could be an overshare, but I'm trying to heal+--+--

I'm beginning to realize that part of the reason I've been doing things Robb doesn't like (spending money/buying stuff) is because I'm lonely. I've been filling a void with crap I don't need. It's a way to fill up that hole left by the absence of my friends and support network. I tried explaining this to him a long time ago and had he listened, he would have heard me saying that I needed help.

I keep reviewing a lot of this crap and I realize now that a lot of my behavior stems from feeling this way. Even before Robb was in my life. It was like I could buy stuff to fill my time, fill my house...shopping filled my time, alleviated some of the sad... and somehow I think I believed it would make me feel better.

And why the hell did I feel so lonely? Why do I now? I mean, yeah, I'm sad because I've been rejected and all my friends are basically absent. I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't just part of a larger picture. My mom agrees it's time to get back into counselling but I guess I just thought I had pretty good coping skills. I'm friendly but why is it that I feel so isolated? I have friends... or I thought I did.

So maybe I'm not as okay with me as I thought I was.

I've been questioning a lot of my "self" lately.

One of our issues is that Robb has changed his mind about wanting more kids. I wanted to leave the option open to adopt but I can't have kids... well, not without a great deal of risk to my health. I'm not that noble to sacrifice my life for reproducing. It seems counter-productive, doesn't it? Get pregnant to have a baby and then risk killing yourself and ruining your own health so you can't take care of it? Just not logical... but I've been questioning this whole issue now... I mean, we can put men on the moon and cure some cancers. Maybe this other thing can be fixed now. I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago to R, before the meltdown... this would have been the PERFECT opportunity for him to tell me he'd been having some changes of heart. Yup. Woulda been. His family was having TWO baby showers in one day... I was depressed and a bit freaky. Yup... woulda been a good damn time.

Maybe this is part of the emptiness that I feel. Maybe this is why I've been so sad. Because even the person who was supposed to be listening wasn't. And even the person who was supposed to care, doesn't.

I really wish someone would have been listening when I mentioned all these things before instead of storing all this shit up to dump on me later, like it's all my fault.

2006-03-16T14:29:00.000-05:00

As Mother Teresa said, "I know God only gives you as much as you can handle, but I wish he didn't trust me so much." I'm with ya Terry... He's really got way more faith in me than I deserve at this point.

Last night I sent an email to a list of my old friends sort of soliciting support and understanding. A few of them have responded... the ones who haven't... *sigh* Somehow you always find out who's really true blue when you're in a crisis.

My cousin wants me to move in with him and his family. I'd love that but I can hear the hope in my mom's voice. She is so looking forward to having someone there to help her out. I can't disappoint her unless someone offers me $100k and a car (kidding).

I'm considering what car I want to start saving for once I get a job... I think a beetle or a golf. Put a flower sticker on the gas tank. Am I goofy or what? Yeah, but I realize it's just stupid stuff like that that I need right now to keep me looking forward.

Okay now that I just wasted half an hour on the vw.com website... that was fun.

I've put in several applications for jobs working for the Army and other federal civilian positions. I've spent the day working on my resume, cover letters, applications and other sundry tasks. I should be able to find something... even if it's a dog washer for $6.00/hour. I can wash dogs with the best of them.

2006-03-15T08:15:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to remain positive about this situation. It's difficult because the way things were working out here, it was like it was meant. Things just fell into place the way I wanted them. I was still a bit lonely, as in missing my old friends and my old lifestyle, but I couldn't have had that life for much longer anyway. This life was really good for me. I was growing creatively and felt nurtured and loved for the first time in my life. That's pretty hard to leave. I don't have a choice but to look forward to the next chapter. I feel defeated but trying to be optimistic.

Now I'll be home to help my mother. I won't worry about her as much anymore because I'll be there. My dad, despite his new-found weenie head attitude, will be more accessible for me from there.

Positive things:
walks with mom
desert thunderstorms
new beginnings

and I'm spent.

Right now it's just really hard to get past all the things I'm going to miss.

School is the biggest one. I really don't know what I'll do about school. I'm trying to find another school but the one in Phoenix will cost me 70K. There really isn't a program in my hometown. I would have to change my major to English, minor in Creative Writing. I suppose that wouldn't be so bad, but it really wasn't what I wanted. I want to write but I really wanted an art degree. So, either way I slice it, my true self and true dreams are on hold. Thanks Robb.

on the road again... soon anyway

2006-03-14T15:21:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going back home. I thought it would take heavy artillery and a scary pack of dogs to get me to go back to Arizona. My dinky little hometown isn't so dinky anymore. We have a Dillards and a Carl's Jr. What more could a girl want?'

Well I'm having to put school on hold, but there are a couple of schools in Tucson (about an hour and a half drive north) specializing in graphic design. Or I could change majors to Photography depending on getting admitted to the U of A.

I'm pissed. I'm doing my best to just function and get through this, waiting to feel better. But I'm pissed.

My father agrees with R about splitting up.

Those of you who have daughters, let me give you a little tip. If a dude dumps her ass, do NOT under any circumstances agree with the bastard who just broke her heart. I don't care if the boyfriend *IS* right. That is your daughter. You get angry on her behalf, get irate, get indignant. Your little girl is the most precious thing on the planet. And some asshole just hurt her. Never tell her that maybe yeah she might have brought it on herself. Don't even hint at it. Love her through it and support her. Tell her she's fabulous and that he's a dick.

If she's wrong, and you know she's wrong, talk to her about it when she's rational. Not when she's calling you to tell you about it and cry on your shoulder.

Right now I think my dad should be smacked upside his round little blond head with a frozen sturgeon. I used to really like and respect my father. Who is this person? What happened to him?

This whole situation sucks.

well well well

2006-03-13T20:57:00.000-05:00

You ever have a premonition? Or maybe just a really bad feeling? I've had one for a few weeks.

I would say it's fair to assess my feelings as sad, depressed, laced with a sense of foreboding.

Today I found out why.

R believes we have no future. Not only that, he's believed this for several months and didn't tell me because he didn't want to distract me from school.

I'm doing what I can to not feel like a victim, but it's pretty tough to take this sort of betrayal. I feel used, lied to and like a stupid little starry eyed girl for believing him.

He admits he is wrong and should not have handled things the way he did... I'd say that is probably the understatement of the year.

spring break

2006-03-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

And so we begin.

Spring break for me starts tonight. I shadow a tour tomorrow and learn how to conduct kids around the museum. I have a list of crap to do over this next several days:

"Aristotle's Children"

I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff. Oh... yeah... blog about some stuff.

Spring

2006-03-09T05:58:00.000-05:00

I've got spring fever something fierce. I actually lay in bed this morning contemplating blowing off my drawing class because I just want my spring break to start. I am really tired.

But I'm up... watching the puppy chase a flying buzzy thing. And then run into the closet door because he forgot what he was doing and the heater scared him. I'm tellin' ya... dogs are better than HBO.

the hanging judge

2006-03-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to figure out why the hell I've been so worried about my grades, why I've put so much pressure on myself to perform. I suppose part of it is simply that I have high expectations of myself. I'd like to believe that I'm intelligent and capable of doing this stuff. The truth, as hard as it is to admit, is that I'm intimidated by the fact that it takes a lot more than hard work to make it. It takes talent, balance, hard work, and flying by the seat of your ripped-up funky cargo pants. It also galls me to see the kids in my class that don't try, those that seem to just float, it's annoying to see how well they do without trying. So I keep thinking if I work harder or put more time into it then I'll succeed. It really doesn't work that way. I'm struggling to figure out how it does work...

crisis aversion

2006-03-06T21:52:00.000-05:00

I got my grade on the dreaded tower today. I didn't fail. I got a B. You really could have knocked me over with a dowel.

iPod monolith

2006-03-02T18:14:00.000-05:00

My final project for last semester. The assignment was: draw a picture making something ordinary appear monumental. So this is my iPod... made into the monolith from 2001: Space Odyssey.

sometimes it pays to be old

2006-03-02T17:07:00.000-05:00

I struggle with math... not just my class (which pisses me off most days) but really, the concepts are just waxing my ass. I say this because it's always been tough to wrap my brain around certain things.

Well, it's all turning around. I really do work my ass off for that class. I attend every class, every study session, I do all the homework, do the practice problems twice and I spend time with my teacher, picking his brain. Last semester I had tutoring every week.... sometimes twice a week. This particular test is reputedly the "widowmaker" of all exams. It's basically loading us up with entirely too much info and weeding us out. Ass waxer.

I got my test back today.

I scored a 90. The highest in the class.

I did the happy dance the whole way home. Car dancing is not recommended in rush hour.

the tower

2006-03-02T06:12:00.000-05:00

I've been in design hell for the last few weeks. I had this horrible project to build a tower out of 1/8" wooden dowels, wood glue and white thread. It had to be 38" tall and be able to support a kiln brick weighing 8 lbs. I had 4 different designs. After throwing out several of them I ended up with the one you see here.

I'm not doing so hot in this class and it's killing me. I mean... I don't get D's. I just don't. But I am.

The tough thing to do is not take it personally. Yet art programs are really subjective. I shouldn't allow one person to define my experience... but it's like when someone doesn't like you... you shouldn't care but you do.

full mooning

2006-02-21T05:55:00.000-05:00

Does the moon and tide really effect mood and attitude? The guy who cuts my hair said when there's a full moon his customers are extremely impatient. Sometimes my dog acts a little weird when there's a full moon. I wouldn't say it's impatience he's demonstrating... his acting up is more like asserting his will.

I suppose we could argue that women have their own "moon" to contend with, battling the hormone surges that effect some of us. Is that tied with moon or with the natural rhythms that life has contained within?

Biorhythms?

I don't know... but everyone in my art class sort of piled up on me today when I presented my "most hated" artist. The assignment was to find an example of art you hate... and an example of art you love.

My most loved art didn't even get a reaction or a question.

My most hated... yeah after they were through discussing the objectified vaginas another girl brought in they jumped on me with both feet. Hey! It was an opinion. Don't try to talk me out of it.

I truly can appreciate it for its minimalism, but frankly I thought it was bad. I mean, really. I can appreciate minimalism, I can appreciate some abstraction, but I don't have to like it.

Another issue everyone seemed to have was that if a woman used jarring or shocking art to express herself, as in something that maybe happened to her that was bad... that we're just supposed to say, "Oh she's expressing her feminism."

I'm conflicted about this. Never would I suggest that a woman should not express herself. Yet, I'm not her friend, nor am I her psychologist, counsel or clergy. Why is she telling EVERYone about her personal trauma? Not just telling, but illustrating! Personally, I think some things should remain private.

Get real! I don't want to know about your bowel movements nor about any of your creepy uncles. If we were close friends and over several years we got to know each other, sharing things along the way, then it's part of a journey, a relationship.

I think this falls into the "overshare" category as well as the "forced intimacy" category. I don't think I want to know about every man she's slept with nor do I want to know about her sexual traumas. Why would anyone wish to share this sort of pain with the entire world?

I want to be clear on this view... I'm NOT a prude nor am I uptight about my sexuality. I'm actually pretty liberal, but I still don't want to know about everyone's baggage. If we keep bombarding our society with imagery that is jarring or shocking, eventually we will be desensitized to it. That's where I'm coming from.

There's a time/place or situation that may be appropriate for someone to share that, but I'm not sure when or where. I don't ever want to find myself in a situation where I can't even muster a tiny bit of sympathy for someone who has been hurt.

Not to mention, I'm disappointed to see a lot of artists milking the shock value out of their work. We're better than that. It's one thing to question, push the envelope, but to use bombshell after bombshell.... lobbed over the wall... I'm already getting to the point where I'm saturated and it doesn't shock me anymore... it just makes me roll my eyes and move on.

Smile for Mom!

2006-02-16T22:18:00.000-05:00

He's 80+ pounds now. I can't believe he was ever this little... but he was!

Olympics Shmolympix

2006-02-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

Snowboard cross and curling are really the only Olympics sports that seem interesting to me. We watched a bit of ice dancing... the men sure have sparkly costumes this year.

Homework is kicking my ass:

So I'm having my own intellectual Olympics. To hell with the sparkly pirate ice skaters.

pouting

2006-02-16T06:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, we crate train our puppy. He does very well with his crate and it helps me feel better that I can leave him home for a few hours and not worry that he's chewing the hell out of my sofa or sleeping in the middle of my bed.

Last night, before R and I went out for our "Valentine" dinner, the puppy was getting a bit unruly so we sent him to his crate for a time out. I didn't realize it but Fender had poked a hole in the zipper thingie that closes the crate. I thought it was something we could fix as it didn't really seem to do much to the workings of the zipper. However, when I put the little critter to bed for the night, I found that the zipper is hopelessly broken.

I put the baby gate at the end of the hallway to keep him from lounging on the sofa for the night, then all night I kept hearing him playing instead of sleeping. He didn't chew anything up, though. So now I'm torn... should we try leaving him out of his crate or should we go get a new crate? Crates are about a hundred bucks. I'm reluctant to leave him to his own devices. He gets on the furniture when I'm just standing outside the front door on the porch. (Thanks to my stepmom for that trick!)

I'm sure we'll work something out but it's quite frustrating to think that he could do it again and then we've got two useless crates.

asshole

2006-02-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

so there I was... standing at the crosswalk.
Guy in a truck pulls up to said crosswalk.
He's not completely stopped so I don't cross.
He gestures that he will let me cross.
As I'm crossing, he continues to creep into the crosswalk.
I stop.
I look at him as he nears 3 inches from my body.
He stops.
He flips me off.
I smile.
I continue my walk across the street.

the hype

2006-02-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

There's something about Valentine's Day. I don't know why I buy into the hype, but I do, to an extent. I don't expect any diamonds or proposals, but I like a card... maybe dinner.

Sadly, this sort of behavior doesn't really fit with my "I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-uber-feminist-right-wing" attitude about myself and my relationship. Okay that might be a bit extreme, but I'm making a point.

While at the museum on Saturday, we had a discussion about feminism, art and women's objectification in many paintings. When I was a girl I had this romantic notion about the artist's models and how sitting for them must be.

Now that I know a few things, I find it sort of disturbing that most women are painted looking askance, not directly at the viewer. What does that say to you?

We all have expectations and unrealistic notions of what life should be like and I often blame movies. Yet, I still watch them... Maybe what I really should be blaming is Barbie.

Barbie is sort of evil. No scratch that... she's evil. Barbie had this whole fabulous life, any job, her own Corvette... a plane... a penthouse... beach house, jeep, surfboard... a tiny waist, slender hips and gi-normous breasts. And my young adolescence was spent living my life through Barbie or thinking that somehow someway I was going to wake up one morning and there would be a pink Corvette waiting in the driveway of my town house to be driven off to the glamorous job of fighter pilot.

What we really needed was "goal-oriented" Barbie with funky glasses, not so big breasts, screwy hair, flabby thighs and permission to be smart. I mean I never even wondered how the hell she got that glamour life. It never occurred to me that I had to go out and get my own. It's a tough thing to admit but as a kid I honestly thought that one morning I would just wake up and it would just happen to me. I don't know specifically what, but something... fabulous. Now that I'm older and out there trying to make my own life fabulous, I realize how much harder it is to do it myself... those pink 'Vettes don't come cheap :)

what's that about?

2006-02-03T09:39:00.000-05:00

Do you have any idea how much self-restraint it takes for me to not read craziness into the following situation?

"So Steph is going to London on Spring Break. Everyone in class is telling me I should go with her."

"Well, why don't you? You could play tour guide!"

"I'd rather save the money and put it towards our vacation we keep putting off."

"Oh."

"And, really, I like Steph, but if I'm going to London, I'd rather go with you."

"Oh."

Granted, it was morning. Pre-shower, caffeine deficit. I have had to put a stop to my head going in circles about why he never said anything more than, Oh. I'm sure it's nothing... and intellectually I know this to be the fact. However, as a girl, emotionally I wanted him to say, "Well sweetie, I would hate being without you too," or "Yeah our Windjammer vacation... that will be nice."

Yeah, I'm goofy. No question.

officially country

2006-01-30T17:56:00.000-05:00

I've been declared officially "country" as yesterday I performed the extremely unsavory task of digging a dead mouse/rat/rodent/thing out of Fender's mouth and throwing it away.

Add to this, chasing the dog in the dark, baking a fabulous chicken dinner and finishing my math homework.

I rule.

So it's MY "country" ;) hehehe

chick niggles

2006-01-26T23:04:00.000-05:00

Ya know how sometimes you meet someone who just rubs ya the wrong way? Or maybe you encounter someone who dislikes you for no reason.

This has happened to me more times than I can count. Each time I ponder it, sometimes even stew. This time, I'm just not sure what to do.

There's a woman in my art class who acts like she knows everything. I have tried being polite, cordial, friendly, ignored her... and while I don't care what she thinks of me, truly I don't, I guess I just wonder what I did to deserve her enmity. She's not just a general bitch. Meaning she's nice to the other girls in the class. Nice to the guys. Hell she's nice to everyone but me. I'm not fussed, but it does make one wonder, "What's up her ass?"

Another woman... well I think her issue is one of "alpha-female"--a woman who insists on being the alpha female in any group setting and absolutely cannot deal with any woman who, a. doesn't play her little game or 2. could possibly be a threat or it could even be that she's just an extremely impolite person. It's probably the latter. She smiles and talks to all the people in our "cool kid" group but she's never even said hello to me... not even when we were introduced.

"Hey, have you met Groovy?"

"Yeah, I did," she replies, without even looking at me or acknowledging I'm in the room.

Is that some sort of game? If anyone had done that to me in the group of friends I had before, those women would have ganged up on her until she was nice or at least polite. And I would have demurred and likely walked away, never bothering to smile or speak to the woman again until she at least attempted to be human.

Women have the strangest little games they play with one another. Everything has to be a manipulation, everything a situation to be analyzed and played. Some sort of jockeying for position.

Frankly, I'm not like this. I don't waste my time with this crap. I suppose that comes from being somewhat successful in a man's world, but moreover, I just think it's stupid. The women I choose as my friends don't do this either... or at least they leave me out of it so I'm clueless if they do.

I mean really... the bottom line is that the relationships that matter are the only ones I should worry about, but doesn't this ever bug anyone else? I mean, come on!!! What's not to like? I'm a nice person, witty, intelligent, can be engaging at cocktail parties... even goofy in some ways... okay in lots of ways...

I think there's definitely something to be said for the way men are with each other... not so much the smacking each other on the ass after a good football play way of relating... but more like the way they could meet, hate each other, get in a fight and beat the shit out of each other... but the next night they're totally cool with each other, drinking beer and embracing each other as brothers. As long as it doesn't involve women, this is usually the case.

A lot of women are catty, self-serving and gossipy, never wanting anyone to have something they don't and girls usually must command all the attention from anyone.

Maybe it's just that I'm not sure how to deal with women outside of a professional situation anymore. It's simply not happened that I have many friends that I didn't work with or weren't somehow related to my profession. I never really had too many women friends who weren't married to my guy friends. Short of ignoring these silly girls, I don't really know what to do. Normally, I wouldn't give a crap, but if you have to deal with someone, spend a semester critiquing each other, working together for class... In the words of Reginald Denny... "can't we all just get along??"

age and treachery...

2006-01-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

I've come to discover that part of maturity is knowing when to accept defeat gracefully and when to fiercely beat it back with a really big club.

maybe it's me...

2006-01-17T18:12:00.000-05:00

I've always believed in the idea that an unexamined life isn't worth having. So, when asked what religion I am, I said "None in particular."

I tend to follow a Judeo-Christian ethic, I believe in God... this world is too ordered to be random. My opinion. I believe in an absolute truth but I also believe it's just not possible for my brain to comprehend the absolute truth.

Having said that, I tend to not follow any particular religion because I find they're too caught up in the dogma of their own religion, seeming to have all the answers, frowning at the questions I tend to ask.

It's quite common in the Bible Belt for someone to ask what church you attend and be shocked or seem disappointed in you if you don't belong to any particular church. I am slowly getting used to it, yet I still find it almost impertinent to ask that of anyone.

I would never ask anyone I didn't know, nor would I presume someone is a Christian. I've known Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans, Agnostics, Atheists, Jews, people in cults, and everything in between. How dare anyone just assume anything about your religion.

The fact that I'm a bit offended indicates to me that maybe I'm being too sensitive... yet when I think rationally about the entire situation, it's like the same feeling I get when someone asks why I don't have kids. I mean surely at my age, I should have several offspring running about sticking gum under things, right?

On a side note... I love my algebra teacher... he's not only fun but he's helpful. Sunday practice sessions for students right before a test! Yeah man! I love that! He rules.

gators

2006-01-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

School is back in with a vengeance and oh my gawd I'm way swamped. But I dig it.

The Butterfield exhibit at the Hunter Museum of American Art was really awesome. I went to the opening because I wanted to hear her talk about her work and processes. While I'm glad I heard her speak, I reaffirmed my distaste for crowds.

I was stepped on several times, three people cut in front of me in line and I had my ass grabbed several times. While ass grabbing is usually on my list of stuff I ignore in a crowded London Underground car or at a crowded club, I don't typically steel myself for it at an art exhibit.

Just as a rule... ass grabbery is usually not part of that plan. Twice it was a random guy just allowing his fingers to take an opportunity due to a crowd. Creeps abound even at civilized things like galleries. And once it was a woman who was just annoyed that I was in her way while I was paying for my ticket. I guess I really shouldn't be surprised.

What has happened to manners in our world today?

not typical...

2006-01-09T16:27:00.000-05:00

So... if you were going to join one of those weight loss programs advertised so heavily right now, why would you join one that says the "results not typical" on the testimonials? (Funny, they all have that disclaimer... )

snoot snot

2006-01-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

Today Anna asked her dad if he would get a horse for when she visits. She's quite sure it wouldn't cost that much and he could certainly afford it. Thank God he explained to her that a) we don't have room, b) yes it would, in fact, cost us quite a bit of money for the feeding and upkeep of such a creature, and c) no, we really don't have that sort of money.

We did, however, promise to arrange for her to "visit" a horse while she's here. This compromise, while not exactly what she wanted, seemed to be acceptable after a bit of coaxing.

This makes me wonder what the hell she's overheard her mother saying. Kids don't usually come up with this stuff on their own. Well, not kids that aren't yet 6.

I told R when we first discussed living together and living here that unless Anna lived with us I would not want to have a horse. I grew up having horses and I know how much work they are. I know you have to exercise them almost daily, you don't get a vacation and vet bills are huge... that and shoes, tack, oats, straw, hay, blah blah blah blah would run us more than a car.

If she lived with us, horse stuff would be her activity and our way of teaching her responsibility. Since she doesn't live with us it would be my job to go to school full time, keep the house, look after the dog and all the other stuff involved with the horse. Yeah, right. I don't want a horse that badly.

New tattoo.... that's what I want.

wrong...

2006-01-06T20:49:00.000-05:00

I feel like something is not right. Maybe I'm just hyper-aware since my sugar level was so high a couple weeks ago, but I feel like something is wrong. I'm tired all the time, always thirsty, I've gained a lot of weight... not that it's unexplainable, but it's a lot for just a couple of small lifestyle changes.

No, I haven't cut out sweets completely but I'm not so willy-nilly about them. I still eat yogurt and fruit. I enjoy wine in moderate amounts. I know there are a lot of changes I'll have to make if the lab comes up with a positive result. Damn.... too much counting, too much focus, too much worrying. Too much.

I do my best to keep my health situaitons to myself and I don't really talk much about my diet/food anymore. Years ago my girlfriends and I decided that there were so many other things to talk about and we refused to foist our food choices on each other and our diets were personal. We started noticing that other women only talked about food, exercise, makeup.... they were boring. We talked about politics, religion, philosophy, literature, travel, hobbies.... we were much more interesting. I blog about it and journal about things to find patterns and vent.

Who knows, it could all just be in my head.

Stuff to think about...

2006-01-06T07:29:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to answer these questions in my journal, but I wondered what anyone else might answer:

What secret knowledge did you have as a kid that you feel you might have lost?
What is magic?
You've won the prize and get to spend 3 months on a deserted island. What 3 things do you bring in your tiny suitcase?

Because I'm a lemming

2006-01-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

I decided to be a lemming and do what Birdy and Steakbellie did to recap their 2005. However, I've decided that my dyslexia and non-lemming like personality will twist it around. They were doing the first line of their last post of each month. I've decided to do that last line of my first post of the month.

January 2005
My father will love him because he'll see how well he treats me.

February 2005
(negative entry... must have forgotten to post in Feb...)

March 2005
Remind me of this again after I start freaking out about moving.... again.

April and May 2005
(I was moving so I didn't write much. Our internet connection sucked too.)

June 2005
I'm still working on this one.

July 2005
We miss Anna but hope she will be able to come visit this Christmas.

August 2005
Maybe it's the whole thing about challenging one's perspective. Not sure.

September 2005
What think you?

October 2005
just a hot co-ed with graphite and charcoal all over me from art class. Yeah man. Yummy.

November 2005
I'll tell ya, it took every ounce of self-restraint I had.
Grrr.

December 2005
My "NO ASSHOLE" policy is completely in force and I don't have to deal with you again unless *I* choose to. Merry Christmas.

So there you have 2005 in review... Happy New Year. Happy Beginnings... and more importantly happy endings :)

today's prompt

2006-01-04T17:05:00.000-05:00

here's today's writing prompt from the writing group I belong to:
You've heard the old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't
say anything at all." Write a sincere thank-you card for the worst
gift you've ever received.

Here's my attempt:
Thank you ever so much for your generosity. Your gift was a very kind and thoughtful one.

What would you say?

rambling gremlins

2006-01-04T09:46:00.000-05:00

I often hear little noises at night and I believed it was the house settling. I've decided it's really a herd of gremlins making little changes and making messes. The TV volume was up to the *HOLY SMOKES* setting this morning. The dog's bone was in my chair and who the hell made that huge mess in my kitchen???

Hopefully I can finish cleaning the house tonight. I'm making stuffed chicken so I need the room in the kitchen. I need to sort out my school supplies, order a new bag... I also need to return movies, watch new ones... and order "Band of Brothers" to replace R's missing videos that were "borrowed" years ago. Those damned gremlins have been following us around forever.

If the gremlins don't show themselves to take responsibility, I'll need to beat the dog a few times... he's full of piss and vinegar after having loads of time with R yesterday. I can't figure out who he's bonded to more, but he listens to R more. Lately he's just been really willful. More so than usual. It's like a spurt of nasty. I realize sometimes he's just playing but when he's disobedient latey he's just like a freakin' teenager. Between the teenaged Golden Retriever and teenaged gremlins, maybe I'm outnumbered.

Gremlins be damned... Today I've got Battlestar Gallactica the series... I used to love the old one but the new one is so dark and like a soap. I dig it. Maybe a little Sims time in there too. I wonder if the Sim gremlins are out today as well.

New Movie Tuesday

2006-01-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

For the last few weeks R and I have been unable to honor our Tuesday movie habit. We have a frequent movie-goer card and Tuesdays are free popcorn for us matineers.

Today's installment was Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

Let me just say that I'm a huge fan of anything C. S. Lewis wrote. He was a brilliant writer and his stories were beautiful. I read this book as a kid and I loved it. I read a couple of the others in the series as well but never finished the whole thing.

As for the movie, I really enjoyed it. I thought the photography was beautifully done, the screenplay did the story justice. I think he would have liked it. For me, to see a movie that is based on a book, is really an opportunity to compare what the director envisioned the writer meant to convey and what I read. I rarely freak out about the movie not following the book. For me it's all about interpretation...

The only time I ever freak out about interpretation is ballet... I hate it when a choreographer takes dramatic, interpretive license with a classic, traditional story in ballet. If I want modern interpretive dance, I'll go to a modern interpretive dance presentation. If I want The Nutcracker, then I want it to be The Nutcracker that I remember. This is really the only thing I'm a stickler about. But I digress.

The new Harry Potter was very well filmed. As was Narnia. Thursday is possible King Kong sighting. This weekend before school starts, possibly Memoirs of a Geisha. I love matinees. :)

well it wasn't pretty

2006-01-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

We went to our friend's house last night for the cool kid's New Year's party. I drove out to get R's boss and then we headed over to Missionary Ridge (that's the nice side of town). They have a lovely home, beautiful view, beautifully remodeled home from the 20s. Nice company.

R drank a lot of beer. A lot of beer... then he had some champagne... then a few shots... then some more beer. At about 1 a.m. he couldn't stand up and nearly fell on top of our friend's 90 lb. wife. R is a big guy... this would have been like smooshing a bug under your shoe.

After hugging everyone and loving on everyone, and R telling everyone he loved them... I poured R into the car and took his boss home. On the way, R decided he was car sick. I was on a bridge and couldn't pull over fast enough. It was 29 degrees but the windows... wide open and heat on full blast.

R slept the whole way home but the minute I woke him up to come in the house, he was ill again. After about an hour of wrestling I got him laid out on the sofa, trusty trash bin by his head. Poor guy. He did it to himself but I still felt for him.

I suppose overall this wouldn't have been so bad after I crawled into bed, but at about 3:15 am the dog woke up making heaving noises. I was so tired of being puked on that all I could do was make sure he was still breathing and then go back to bed. The dog made those pukey, heaving noises four more times, waking me each time. After the second time I basically just decided the dog was on his own, I couldn't get up anymore.

Today we've stayed in our pajamas and napped while watching our movies (Serenity and Brother's Grimm.)

So, my New Year's wasn't pretty but I had a nice time overall. How was yours?

crap I think about...

2005-12-30T21:39:00.000-05:00

thankfuls

2005-12-29T12:52:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful for:

you're a pain

2005-12-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

The last couple of days I've been laid up on the sofa from a back injury. It's an old injury that just decided to rear its ugly head. Or ass depending on your perspective.

Christmas was lovely, quiet, filled with family. Santa was nice to me. Santa was nice to us. It was lovely having R home. If you know us, you might know that last year R and I were overseas but he was somewhere hot and sandy and I was stuck in England for Christmas. We missed a lot last year so we are relishing our time together this year. As well as our time with family.

My mother was on a cruise for Christmas. Her friend lost her husband just after Thanksgiving and not wanting to spend her holiday alone this year, paid for a 3-day cruise to Mexico for several of her close friends. This included my mother and her husband. I'm glad she got out of the house to spend time with friends for a while. She needed that.

I called my father and step-mom. To them Christmas is just another day. Stepmonster usually works on Christmas so someone with little kids can have the day off. Gee, lucky for me I only had to sit through the one lecture as opposed to two. Yes, thank God I got my annual Christmas You-should-do-this-then-you'll-have-a-better-life lecture.

This year's theme was "stop watching tv."

Okay I have to get this off my chest. I'm a firm believer that too much TV can lead to brain-rot.

Well here's the thing: I read a lot out of necessity as well as desire; I also enjoy video games (I got "Sims 2" for Christmas and I'm loving it!); I draw; I am learning watercolor; I cook a lot; clean the house; read the paper; spend time with my family; walk the dog; I sew; knit; crochet; make all sorts of stuff; and yeah, I also like TV.

Well you know what the bottom line is? I'm 38 years old. I pay my bills. I've served my country. I vote. I'm a supporter of environmental and humanitarian causes. I have a very full life. I take care of myself, a very large puppy and a big guy who's really just a kid himself. Maybe I don't always do what's best for myself but I think I'm allowed to screw that up now and again as a citizen of the world.

So here it is: Get off my back about watching tv!! You are not a better person because you don't watch it. You may have more time for other things but that's your choice. Your self-righteous bullshit has reached a new high, Daddy....

My father makes a point of telling me every time we speak that he doesn't have TV or more than one radio station and that clearly he thinks his life is so much better than mine. No one's choices make one a better person than someone else. Maybe it's best for you, but do not delude yourself into believing you know what's best for someone else who's a capable, mentally stable adult.

Just because your life works for you does not mean it would work for someone else. If I want to make a change, I'll make it when I choose to do so.

*Sigh* I've gone without tv before. My cousin and I were discussing this and when we were kids we didn't watch TV at all. Not til we were 7 or so. There were also periods in my life where tv wasn't available. The only thing I missed was an occasional tv show I liked, such as X-Files or Twin Peaks, but really it was not a big deal. Now all the sudden I'm a brain-rotted, irresponsible, culturally numb errant child at 38. Well that does it for this rant... Law and Order: Criminal Intent is on.

name decoder

2005-12-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

BWAHAHAHAAH

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH even funnier

I rule.

screening schmeening...

2005-12-22T22:03:00.000-05:00

Okay so after my doctor appointment yesterday it hit me. The litany of the nurse practitioner started to sink in. The lecture that I usually tune out got through.

Well, that and I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I look like Mama Cass.

I've never been a small girl. Well not since my 23rd birthday. I have a couple of medical problems and they make losing weight a lot harder for me than your average person. The only weight loss plan that ever worked was Atkins anyway and frankly that's just not a sustainable plan.

So now I'm borderline diabetic. If I don't do something now it may not be reversible. I'm getting older. It's getting harder to lose weight and stay in shape. I got so wrapped up in schoolwork that I didn't keep up with my exercises nor did I keep up with eating like I should. I've been eating ice cream and chocolate... naughty naughty naughty. Now I'm paying for my six months of decadence and revelry.

poster child for birth control...

2005-12-22T18:23:00.000-05:00

I watch Dr. Phil. I'm unapologetic about it. I even like some of the things he says. I even like Oprah. I don't have expectations of these people. They are entertaining and I watch them.

Today's subject was mean little girls. I've seen these little girls. I've seen them and more importantly I know some of them as adults. Mean people suck. Mean children... well I blame their parents, but mom and dad notwithstanding, mean children are just sad... but really annoying.

On the flip-side, R's little girl is an absolute doll. She's a good kid who wants to please but even she has her moments. Overall she is pretty assertive about playtime and making her wishes clear. She's pretty easy, though, because she's sure I mean business. When I say TV off there's a protest, but the TV goes off.

I think the only time she pushed her luck was when she told me "my mom let's me." And my response to that was, "When you're at your mom's house, your mom makes the rules. But in my house, I am in charge, so we play by my rules." She sort of gave me a look like she wanted to question, but I think I was pretty clear. As for discipline and enforcement, never would I think to discipline her in any way other than possibly taking away a privelege or a giving a time out.

Funny, but my mother used to give me time out and I liked it. I had things I liked in my room. I spent a lot of time in there anyway so really this wasn't much of a punishment. For R's daughter, it's excruciating. She plays well on her own but she much prefers an audience.

My biggest worry for R's daughter... well besides the fact that she lives in England and we never see her... I can illustrate it with this little vignette into our lives...

One afternoon we were heading out to drive somewhere... Anna was anxious to go. R decided he needed cigarettes so he went back into the house. Anna told us, "When I grow up I'm going to have cigarettes too."

As you may imagine this was met with horror on my face. I replied, "I really hope not sweetie. It's bad for you and it's very stinky." I'm a reformed smoker and quite vocal about it.

R, bless him, agreed with me.

Anna is very cognizant of where her Dad smokes and where her mom smokes. She often hands her dad his lighter or whatever. Everyone in England smokes so I hope she doesn't choose to do so, but if she does, I hope she eventually decides that it's bad for her and very stinky.

I remember telling one of my girlfriends to lock the door on her bedroom to get some quiet time. She looked horrified. I told her she should tell the little hellions (her boys were 4 and 5) that unless one of them was on fire, that door would remain shut for 15 minutes. If they disobeyed her or misbehaved during that 15 minutes there would be hell to pay but she deserved her 15 minutes to breathe.

That woman told me that I had made the right decision to not have children. She might be right, but I just don't think when you're 5 you should be in charge of the whole family. If that makes me horrible, then rightly so.

Happy Christmas and shit.

2005-12-21T12:43:00.000-05:00

The other day we had the "family Christmas" party at R's mom's. I spent 2 days cleaning her house for her and then the morning of the do I went down and helped her put everything together. Overall I had a good time but I felt trapped by some of the family.

R has a cousin who's a few years younger than we are. She's a lovely person, has a really wonderful heart... oh who am I kidding? She's really sort of a sycophant. I feel drained after any sort of exchange. She constantly seeks approval and has a terribly low opinion of herself and most everyone around her except her father. Cousin C tries to be charming but bless her heart, it comes out as just plain unadulterated attention-seeking/approval-begging.

The day after the party Cousin C phoned me to invite me to shop with her. No freakin' way I was going out shopping on a weekend. It's entirely crazy around here at Christmas time, just like I'm sure it's crazy everywhere. I politely thanked her but declined. We chatted for a few moments, during which I mentioned her father had liked the wine I chose. She jumped all over that, "WHAT KIND????" she nearly wrecked her car.

She'd love to convince everyone that she gives the best gifts and is the best daughter/sister/aunt/friend/etc. I know this isn't a malignant thing so I try to overlook it. I often feel like a shit, though, for not wanting to spend too much time around her. It's like that shitty guilty feeling you get when you say something bad about someone who's nice.

What's your Band name?

2005-12-21T09:11:00.000-05:00

This was on The Blog of Lewd Enlightenment which I found via Steakbellie.

Your Band Name is:

The Hard-drinkin' Masochists

Band Name Generator

This sounds like really hard rock. Our new album will be out soon... it's called "Hungover" :)

my dogma biting my karma

2005-12-20T18:11:00.000-05:00

A few years back I created the "White Trash" points system. I thought it was worthy of revisiting because it's really been on my mind of late.

I think it's been on my mind because a friend of mine is suffering terribly. She's kicking herself for making a bad decision. Well, I'm no stranger to bad decisions.... I'm talking REALLY bad decisions. Trusting people who should never even be trusted with a driver's license much less my life, yes that was me... I was so convinced that people thought like me, that no one would deliberately hurt me. Lies. To myself.

For a long time I felt as though I was trapped in an episode of Jerry Springer. My ex and all the people around me were just like those people. Trash.

The difference is that I probably deserved it. My first husband was a really nice guy but I treated him like dirt in a way. He wasn't very smart so I used that to cheat on him and lie like a rug most days. It only made karmic sense that someone would do the same to me after a time.

Now that I'm past all that, I often question my relationship now. It's far from perfect but it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We usually work at things... lately he's been working long hours due to the holidays but our life is quiet together, low on the drama factor. We talk about stuff even when it's hard to talk about. We support each other and do our best to keep the love alive. The questions I have are usually, "How did I deserve this?" but in a good way :)

my short political rant...

2005-12-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

Let me just preface this by saying I tend to be quite middle of the road politically, but have very strong leanings toward environmentalism, yet I balance this by my belief we need to have a strong defense policy. I also believe need less laws and more enforcing of the laws we already have, not silly excessive legislation for fun. Although those old blue laws are pretty entertaining... but I digress.

So my aunt sends me several copies of the same article about Bush signing some secret thing giving permission for NSA to spy on Amercians. I personally am not surprised he did this... look what's been happening in our country. We're realizing that the terrorists are not people living somewhere else blowing up mosques and shouting about Jews and infidels, declaring fatwahs and speaking in some language we don't understand... and who cares anyway right? They're over there. Well this ain't our father's country anymore. Suicide bombers don't just end up in Beirut or Israel. They're here. Now. Today.

This doesn't mean we should have the freakin' Patriot Act to allow our Constitution to be tossed out the window. We already have laws in place to protect us... like officials need probable cause to search, seize, eavesdrop, monitor... The Patriot Act threatens to widen those powers and stretch that thing about probable cause.

I got the impression my aunt is more worried about Bush signing some eavesdropping thing. Hey, we've come a long way ya know... in the 40's had the whole 9/11 thing happened we'd have rounded everyone up that wore a headscarf and put them in camps. That's what we did to the Japanese during WWII.

I'm not sure how i feel about the prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay. I'm sure it began as security concerns but I think it's also one place where the American servicemembers completely control the environment and they can monitor all visitors, all communications between prisoners... not like American prisons where pretty much anything goes... I still am not sure how i feel about it. I"m outraged at the stories I hear, but I don't know they're true. How can I know? I'm not there.

Anyway, yeah so ... I'm not pissed off so much as waiting to see what will happen.

talk to me...

2005-12-16T18:42:00.000-05:00

My mom and I always say that we have "Tell me EVERYTHING" tattooed on our foreheads. We always seem to find ourselves trapped by the oddest people within 40 miles who want to tell us their entire life's story.

This happens no matter where I go. As reserved as the English are I always found myself listening to some crazy story about Aunt Harriet and why she won't shop in that street anymore because of all the yobs and gosh hasn't the traffic gotten worse here and blather blather blather... Hell this even happened in Germany... random people would just start talking to me, in whole conversations, not approaching me with a friendly question...

I really could be anywhere, someone will start talking to me, telling me all about Uncle Joe and Brother Bob, their respective spouses or children, their cancer scare, a divorce, dental problems, you name something relatively personal and they'd just unload to me about it. The location is never the common denominator either... restaurants, bars, shops, work.

It happened three different times today, three very different locations. Once at the bank. Twice at K-mart (cargo pants for R were on sale). Once at the bookstore.

So now I know that the lady at the bank is having serious marital issues. I know that the little old lady at K-mart doesn't care for depression glass but she sure does think Martha Stewart is smart and she wishes she were that smart... and the cashier guy is having issues with his mother keeping him up talking all night about his sister and whatever (I had to stop listening). And I now know all about the lady at the bookstore who is in nursing school and that one of them is in trouble for not buying back both books in the anatomy set.

Freak magnet. Maybe I should get my own talk show. Why not? Everyone has one... even Tyra Banks now.

sobs of relief

2005-12-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

I have really been stewing about that research paper and the "why did you plagiarize?" comment on the front along with the big fat ZERO after all that work and effort. I know I made some mistakes. Research papers have changed over the years and I didn't know that nor did I take the time to figure out what "MLA" really meant. I just thought it was a way to format your bibliography. I had no idea there was a lot more to it.

I wrote my professor an email explaining all this and here's what she wrote back, "First of all, you are a good student and I know you wrote the paper. Because you are a good student it is important that you know how things are done properly now. When I grew up we used a bibliography. Now that is the books you read in preparation. The material from which you got ideas and concepts and phrases, etc. should be in your Works Cited page. That is MLA and I suggest you buy the paperback. Don't go online and find junk; get the correct handbook. Or, go to the Writing Lab on campus and have them give you the materials. It is important to do it correctly because some teachers are sticklers. They don't always know who cheats and who does not. It is easy to buy papers now and/or get them off the internet. I do check sources so I can find out who fakes it. That is not the case for you; you deserved and made an A in the class. I took the time to write you so that you learn. You can call me if you wish 238-XXXX. I'll be home late tonight. I am happy to go over it with you next semester. I can show you the proper way and the logic behind it. Actually, it is easy and will make a good record for you in the future in case you wish to reuse some of the material.
Have a wonderful holiday. Thanks for writing."

Needless to say I'm overjoyed that this is sorted out. I plan on calling her tomorrow when I get back from "work" :)

Thanks for all the positive energy!

stop thief!

2005-12-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

This has been absolutely the worst fucking day I've had in a long damned time.

I got my research paper back from my geography prof. She has accused me of plagiarism.

I feel like shit. Like a criminal. I have to write her an email so we can negotiate going to honor court or what. I'm facing expulsion and utter disgrace.

Let me just say that I'm introspective enough to admit it's possible I've made a mistake. In the syllabus it instructed us to use MLA format to cite our works. I thought that meant the format of our bibliography. When I spoke to the woman at Student Development she suggested that I may have needed to use quotes or footnotes or possibly I needed to note each work for each statistic.

Granted, I may have screwed up how I wrote the paper, but there was no intent to deceive anyone. I am hoping that we can all decide this is a major misunderstanding. I haven't written a research paper for college in 20 years. Or the ones I've written were all compilations and paraphrasing and translations so there really was no work to cite in any way other than a bibliography, which in this case I did provide.

I'm so upset by this. I feel worthless. I am so shocked... hurt... dismayed...

I haven't written my professor yet... I'm still sort of collecting my thoughts and trying to figure out what to say. I have already lost all crediblity. I've seen the way she talks to the students she thinks are shit... now I'm one of those kids. I never thought I'd be in that same shitbird category. Yet here I am.

cuteness ray of death

2005-12-07T09:29:00.000-05:00

It's simply not possible to resist this look. It makes you want to throw steak at him.

Roadsigns on the highway of life...

2005-12-06T22:11:00.000-05:00

groovygrrrl Highway

Bewilderment Avenue	9
Wealthville	17
TravelWorld	46
Dumpsville	138
Lake Love	290
Please Drive Carefully

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

the ghost in Z's house...

2005-12-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

Recently I read Pirata's Blog and she wrote about ghosts. It has inspired me to write about my own ghost experience.

I was living in England. Some friends of mine had gone out of town and asked me to watch their house/doggies. It was a huge house out on a farm and when it was dark... man it really got dark. I often would hear footsteps upstairs, even when no one was home. I once heard foosteps on the stairs. Both of the dogs went running over the staircase to investigate, so I know it wasn't a hallucination. Or if it was, the dogs dropped the same acid I did. But I digress...

So, one night I was in their computer room... I had received a particularly upsetting bit of news in email. I was so distraught and crying. I sort of saw something out of the corner of my eye, like a presence right on the periphery of my vision. I was too upset to really think about it... and I certainly wasn't going to turn around... but for some reason the presence remained there... I eventually had enough nerve to look a little closer at it... she was standing right at my shoulder, she wore a blue dress and an apron... sort of like women in old photos I've seen.

When my friends returned, I told them about what happened. They told me that yeah, that was the original structure of the house. The dogs would occasionally look at something in the corner and wag their tails... we were all convinced the presence was benign or maybe even kindly. Despite that, it was still sort of creepy to think about it.

I'm sittin' I'm sittin'!

2005-12-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

I'm sittin' I'm sittin'!, originally uploaded by tngroovygrrrl.

Look who was being so good this morning! :) He really really wanted a cookie :)

whew

2005-12-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

I'm so exhausted. Went out to R's company Christmas party last night. He came home and picked me up around 9 and were downtown 45 mins later. I had my one drink and then started on the water.

I talked with one of the other "wives" for most of the evening.... a lovely girl named Erin. Her husband is a wonderful blues guitarist so you can imagine what the boys were talking about. Some of the guys R works with are gifted musicians as well as interesting characters.

I am entirely too nice. I was the designated driver.... but R volunteered us to drive his boss and one other guy, Lyle, home.

After two hours of driving in circles, "NO! go the other way!" and "Oh yeah, I'm wrong, it was the other way," we finally got everyone home safely. Whether they made it into their houses okay, I don't care. I got R and me back home around 3:30 am.

I tried to stay up for R to eat a snack, but I fell into bed in about 15 minutes. R fell asleep on the sofa... or maybe it was more like "passed out" on the sofa. He never came to bed. Poor guy.

I'm soooo tired today. I tried to take a nap but the puppy wasn't having any of it. I considered tethering him to the table but I knew the table would just end up in the bedroom after he dragged it around a bit. I feel like I've been put through the mill.

wond'rin'

2005-12-04T19:08:00.000-05:00

Ya know how sometimes you're in the shower and you're washing your hair...
You start down the slippery slope of wondering about many stupid things.

It all began with Christmas thinkin'. I was considering what to give my dearest love... he wants DVDs. They're nice, but not exactly expressive of how much he means to me. Also, considering we have absolutely ZERO money... yeah. I wish I was better at this whole mixed media art thing, I'd be able to make him something he could be proud of. For some reason my mind wandered a bit, slipped down the slippery slope and wondered how I could find some existential detectives for him. Just what I get for watching that "I Heart Huckabees" movie.

My puppy just burped quite loudly... then he looked up at me as if to say, "Damn Mom! Good one."

Disappointment--not exactly the word

2005-12-02T08:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my last day of class in most of my classes at uni. I had worked hard to finish papers, organize portfolios, finish my sketches. After it was mostly over I was sort of let down. I waited for English with a certain amount of tension. I was preparing myself to be cool-headed.

I had spent nearly my entire Thanksgiving break doing revisions on my poems and short story as well as writing my research paper for geography.

The time came for class. I stood outside the door with Danielle. She had her work ready to present in a nice neat binder. Her journal, a plain spiral-bound notebook, sandwiched inside. She wondered if he would read any of her entries. I hoped he wouldn't read mine. I had raved often about how I disagreed with his teaching style.

As we sat there, waiting for those who were late, as was often the case, our professor grabbed the lecturn, placing it between us and him. I noticed he did that when he was about to deliver news he knew we wouldn't like. Like hiding behind a fortress wall to protect against slinging arrows and hurled stones.

He collected a sheet of paper from each of us, detailing the changes we made in our work, how many journal entries we had as well as how many absences we had. I felt like I was doing his work for him. Turns out I was. He didn't take any of our other work. Justifying this with how rewarding it was to hear from former students that finding their old "written" work was a delight for them. To top off all this, he told us that if we were disappointed we had missed the point of his class.

Because I have a terrible temper (redhead) and I've got a "NO ASSHOLE" policy, I was pretty vocal about it, saying, "I don't think 'disappointment' covers the emotion I'm feeling right now."

To add a little frosting to this lovely cake Prof. Braggs had baked, we were his captive audience as he read us a 10 page dissertation on what he hoped for us and what he hoped we learned.

As I sat there choking on his ego, trying to suffocate the flames of my irritation, I was more outraged, galled, and completely angered by how much time I spent, how much of myself I put into the whole situation, not to impress him but because I'm dedicated and I really thought there was an opportunity to learn from him. EVEN if I didn't like him, I felt there was something I could learn. I really thought I was open, but there he was slamming the door in our faces.

The silver lining... I struggled to find it... but it's there...
I'm writing again, taking chances and sharing my work. And not really caring what anyone thinks anymore about it... being satisfied that *I* like it.

So, Earl, I guess ya taught me something, but I don't think you'll ever see me in one of your workshops again. Go sell more books, have at it. But I don't have to listen to how fabulous you are anymore and stand for how condenscending you are anymore. My "NO ASSHOLE" policy is completely in force and I don't have to deal with you again unless *I* choose to. Merry Christmas.

What breed of dog are you?

2005-11-28T22:38:00.000-05:00

discover your dog breed @ quiz meme

What's your DJ name?

2005-11-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

groovygrrrl spins tunes as
DJ Deep Crevice

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

What kind of artist are you?

2005-11-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

You're a modern/pop artist. You have the ability to
turn your problems into bright, colorful works
of art. People like being around you because
you make them smile. Kudos!

Hmph. Who'da thunk it?